REVIEW DATE 2/27/99

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

This is a test of the Emergency Well Known Actor Alert system. The owners and operators of And You Thought It Was Safe have constructed this system to give you early warning in times of emergency. When ever you here this signal you will know that And You Thought It Was Safe is currently reviewing a movie staring a now famous actor in and early, and perhaps embarrassing, performance.

This concludes this test of the Emergency Well Known Actor Alert system.

Well, okay, it doesn't, but come on, I had to start this review in some way. I could have told you a joke or anecdote related to this movie in some shape or form, but, dog gone it, I just don't have any antecedes related to early Matthew Brodrick movies.

You all know, Matthew don't you? After last summer's Godzilla I figure everyone should recognize Matt by now. But even if you were living under a rock for the past year and a half then you must have seen Ferris Buller's Day Off, right? Well, Skippy, here's your surprise of the day: Wargames was made three years before Ferris Buller was even a glint in it's writers eye. All my research has lead me to believe that this might be the first movie Brodrick ever made.

Come up with a joke for that. 

But first, let me tell you that the defense of this nation is at stake. Seams that the people who have launch keys for our nuclear missiles just ain't got the balls (neither chocolate, nor salty) to use them. Needless to say NORAD is a bit worried about this, so NORAD head honcho McKittrick (Dabney Coleman) proposes a plan. Instead of having our national security in the hands of people who just ain't got what it takes he plans to put the entire system in the hands of a computer called the WOPR (pronounced "whopper". Ummm. . . WOPR). The super computer spends most of its time going over various plans for how to fight a thermonuclear war and is ready to launch our nukes without hesitation at a moments notice.

All you sci-fi attics will recognize this from a similar set up in the 1960s movie Colossus: The Forbin Project. The big difference here is that into the mess is thrown David Lightman (Broderick). Lightman is a strapping young buck who just happens to hack into the WOPR system. Thinking it is nothing more then a harmless computer game he immediately instructs the computer to play a nice game of  "Global Thermonuclear Warfare". In NORAD everything goes haywire as our one dimensional general (Barry Corbin) and his jug heads start to think that the USSR (this is 1983, after all) has started war with the US. Fortunately David has to log off before the game can be completely played out.

But it doesn't end there, oh, no. Apparently the WOPR is smarter then the average bear, er, microprocessor, and it actually calls David back on his home phone number to continue the game. David, aware that his first little game with the WOPR almost caused an international incident, isn't to eager to continue playing. The WOPR, however, doesn't wait for his dissision, though, and continues playing, thinking that the US military itself is it's opponent. And then there's that little matter of the FBI. . .

Now, for your entertainment and mine, we now present to you the "Cavalcade of 'Matthew Broderick is so Young' Jokes"

(Ahem)

Matthew Broderick is so young, that:

his cheeks get pinched by Grandmothers everywhere.

he can't buy beer, no matter how much facial hair he paints on his face.

he still gets a 15% discount at JCPenny.

he makes even the youngest Hanson look like Bob Dole

Yah, I know those were a bit lame, but you see what I have to work with. If I had had the opportunity to do something easier (like say, "My dick is so big" jokes) then you would ether be rolling on the floor with laughter, or really offended. For example:

My dick is so big it has a 1st class and a coach section.

See?

As David Lightman young Matthew Broderick is. . .a young version of Ferris Buller, or Dr. Nicko Tatopolous. Though he certainly isn't a bad actor he just can't branch out much. But hey, all you Matthew Brodrick fans in the crowd will be pleased at least.

Oh, yes, and did I mention that Broderick is so young he can be nerdy and still get chicks? Yep, he's got a girlfriend named Jennifer and played by Ally Sheedy. Jennifer is the kind of air head blond that you run into in high school and/or movies that are about high school. She's about as three dimensional as a sheet of paper, but at least she isn't annoying, which is more then I can say for other such actresses (see Volcano).

If asked I would say that the only truly excellent performance is given by John Wood as Dr. Steven Fallen. Falken is the guy who designed the WOPR and is the character David and Jennifer search for through the last half of the movie. He's probably the best written character in the whole script, with the most pathos and the richest personality. Its to bad he doesn't get more screen time.

Now, you are by no means to think that this is a bad movie. Despite all of the above its tightly written, clever at times, and worth the rental price. The script (written by Lawrence Lasker and walter F Parkes, the same guys who wrote the 1992 Robert Redford movie movie Sneakers, if anyone else saw that besides me) is original, and really has something to say about the futility of nuclear war and man's over reliance on technology. Wargames is an okay movie, but it ain't no pulse pounding action thriller.

RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

THIS NOW CONCLUDES THIS TEST OF THE EMERGENCY WELL KNOWN ACTOR ALERT SYSTEM. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

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