P U M A M A N
REVIEW DATE: 3:11:9:9
There are very few good superhero movies. Besides the first two Superman movies, the first two Batman movies, and the animated Spawn I couldn't name a good movie from this sub-genre if I tried. Besides Jaws rip-offs, superhero movies are leading the pack when I comes to producing crap.
You can add Puma Man to that list o' crap. With performances that should be stacked in a Meek's Hardware store, and characters so thin they make Ally MacBele look like a sumo wrestler, Puma Man is crap in its purest form.
When I reviewed the awful Zoltan: Hound of Dracula I remarked that the only good actor in the cast was José Ferrer, and all he was doing was a Donald Pleasence impression. I went on to say that, had Dr. Lomis been able to do Zoltan it would have just been one more stain on Don's record. One more bad brick in a wall of his carrier. Like this movie.
When you talk about a bad Donald Pleasence movie this is the kind of. . . thing I mean. With a script written by chimps (named Luigi Angelo and Massimo De Rita), and only the finest actors that the director (Alberto De Martino) could pull out of local high schools, Puma Man manages to be a truly odious experience. Not as bad as Zoltan. . . but it gets and "A" for effort.
Here Donald plays Kobras, the leader of some sort of evil cult that wears more black leather then a herd of bikers. He also has this old mask that can control people's minds and make strange visual effects cut in at odd times. Oh, yeah, it can also construct wax heads. Some mask, huh? What does Donald plan to do with this mask? The same thing evil guys who wear black leather do every night, Pinky: Try to take over the world!
Into this mess is thrown Tony (Walter George Alton). We're suppose to believe that Tony is a paleontologist studding ancient man, despite the fact that he's about 17 years-old. One day Tony is chased around by a big Aztec guy named Vandinho.Vandinho finally catches him (hell, Danny DeVito could catch this girly man) and gives him the Belt of the Puma Man. The Belt of the Puma Man (in case you haven't guessed) gives him all the powers of the ancient Aztec protector/god. He can fly by rear projecting movie pictures, jump into the air through the use of invisible string, and look really stupid in his low budget superhero costume.
Yes, we've entered the world of low budget superhero movies. It's a small world (after all) but it has inspired some really crappy carp. Puma Man is just that kind of crap. Its so crappy that I find it listed as a movie that appeared on MST3K (the Internet Movie Database has a whole category devoted to movies from MST3K, yah know?). It deserves what it got.
Oh, god, your probably want me to review it now, don't you? *Sigh*, let me start by saying that I've seen better acting in an elementary Christmas play. Special points go to Tony for being the wimpyest hero ever to wear a cape. Donald Pleasence seams to have been replaced by a robotic duplicate. Everyone else seams to be just passing through on the way to pick up there meager (but still undeserved) pay checks.
And forget the script. I sure did. Something about aliens being the inspiration behind our major religions. Korbas is killed, the mask is saved, our girly hero saves the day, and I try to think up as may "look up in the sky" jokes as a possible could.
Look, up in the sky. . .
its a wimp.
No, its a dork.
No, its a nerd
It's a reject from a Star Trek convention.1
Aren't those three of the same thing?
Your all wrong, its PUMA MAN!!
Hurrah.
There are only three conceivable reasons that I can think of for watching this movie. (A)You know someone in it, (B) you want to make fun of a crappy superhero movie, or (C) you've started a web site dedicated to reviewing every movie ever made. If you haven't checked A or B, and aren't named Psy Chosis then you want to stay as far away from this movie as a sane person from a Hanson concert.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)
I'D RATHER WATCH GRASS GROW.