phantoms

I'm trying something new with this review.Something to expand my horizons as a web artist. See that snazzy little navigation bar on your right? Cool, huh?

Okay, enough of that horn tooting, I've got a movie to review. And oh what an enigma is Phantoms. Conventional wisdom (re: broad, sweeping generalizations) tells me that any movie based on a book will suck. Of course, anyone who says that will probably sign off on Jurassic Park's greatness without batting an eye. Isn't hypocrisy fun?

Not being one for broad, sweeping generalizations (in my opinion, all broad, sweeping generalizations suck), I decided to review Phantoms. Within 5 minuets I was happy to discover that, not only did Dean Koontz write the novel, but he also wrote the screenplay. I guess if someone's going to butcher a Dean Koontz book it might as well be Dean Koontz.

Since I have yet to read Phantoms I'm not going to go out on a limb to tell you which is better (I probably wasn't going to do that anyway). However, I'm pretty sure both book and movie start off with Jennifer (Joanna Going) driving her little sister, Lisa (Rose McGowan), back to their old home town. Once they get there both are shocked to discover that the entire population has disappeared. The few bodies the sisters do find are desiccated. "Rather like a spider," as a character would put it latter.

Well, okay, not everyone is dead. The measly three survivors happen to be the town Sheriff (Ben Afleck) and two of his deputies. About the only one you need to remember is deputy Stu played by Liev Schreiber, last seen in (at least by me) in Scream 2. Why is he the one you need to remember? Because, silly, the other deputy dog is killed off before we really get to know or care about him. DUH!

So, we're down to two women, and two men alone in a town who's population has mysteriously disappeared. They aren't alone, ether. The thing that wiped out Stereotypical Small Town's population is here too. And it's still hungry (Twilight Zone music goes here). This creature is called the Ancient Enemy. How do we know? Because someone scrawled "Timothy Flyte, the Ancient Enemy" on a bathroom wall. When our foursome finally gets to a radio (whenever someone tries a phone all they get is this weird mish mash of sounds that might or might not be human's screaming) the first thing they instruct the outside world to do is to call Tim Flyte. The second thing they ask for is the army, both of which are delivered in short order.

Now, this caused me to wonder, "Just why does the army take the word of one small town sheriff so seriously?" I mean, just one phone call gets our heros not only a squad of guardspeople, but also a portable truck lab, and helicopters. Is one radio signal all it takes to call out the guard like that? Why do I have the nagging feeling that, in this world, the claims of Sheriff Ben would be laughed at all over the CB frequency? These are questions that Phantoms doesn't bother to answer.

Anywho, after the Federal Bureau of Intimidation finds Dr. Tim Flyte we learn that the Ancient Enemy is a huge underground creature responsible for mass disappearances throughout history. We have this creature to thank for Roanoke Virginia, the disappearance of whole Inca villages, and a whole lot more. Plus, just to add that little bit of spice to the pudding, The Enemy believes itself to be Satan.

That's right, a giant, shapeshifting, immortal creature with delusions of grandeur. Now there's something you don't want to meat in a dark ally.

Seriously, though, the concept of the Enemy is pretty original, considering. Dean Koontz seams to have a knack for taking really kick ass concepts and executing them well, and creating really cool villains. If you've never read any of his stuff, you should. In Phantoms Koontz and director, Joe Chappelle put a cool creature together with excellent FX and a directing style that keeps things moving along at a brisk pace. All of the proceeding makes a movie gain a lot of ground on the ol' Fun O' Meter. Just one question, Joe: do you have a thing for shooting shots from above, or what?

To bad the casting director slept through the auditions. This movie, along with Armageddon, has firmly convinced me that Ben Afleck has all the acting ability of your average rock. As the Stereotypical Town sheriff, Afleck could make that rock look like a manic-depressive. Just one more reason why I am not going to waste my cash on Forces of Nature.

Rose McGowan, who, if I'm not mistake, will soon be wed to shock rocker Marilyn Manson, is mediocre, at best. She might be better if she could just wipe that deer in the headlights look off her face. . .

Liev Schreiber on the other hand, should stay just the way he is. With this, and his performance as Cotton Weary in Scream 2, Liev has established himself as a great psychoman. Though here, unlike in S2, he really gets to cut loose and play Stu to the total psychotic extreme. Especially after he gets his face eaten by a giant. . .well, I've said to much.

Rounding out the cast is Peter O'Toole as Dr. Flyte. Finally, a real actor. Despite the occasional hokey line of dialogue, his performance almost never wavers. His Dr. Flyte, despite not being so well rounded (in truth, none of these characters are well rounded), manages to be a goffie scientist that doesn't remind me of Jeff Goldblume. Now that's acting skill.

Hey, there really isn't much wrong with Phantoms, when compared to other fare that has graced these pages. But, Unfortunatly, several ill cast actors and one big hole in logic might keep the more stuck up viewers in the crowd from riding this one out. However, if you think you can take it, you'll get your pay back. This is one of those movies that exists for the sole purpose of entertaining you, something I think Hollywood needs more of these days. If you want to be entertained the next time you're in a movie store, go for Phantoms. Tell 'um Dr. Psy sent you.

  RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

WHO SAYS THERE ARE NOT GOOD MONSTER MOVIES, ANYMORE?