REVIEW DATE: 6:22:9:9

If you're looking for storytelling on par with that of the great thespian writer, William Shakespeare. . . then you must have been high as a kite when you rented Blade. Boy howdy!

However, if you're looking for blood, guts, blood, vampires, blood, action, and, most importantly, blood.

If you weren't looking for blood then. . . well, see above.

Because, at its core, that's what Blade is: a two-hour blood bath of fun that no action fan should be without. Screw Above the Law, this is what a good action movie should be. No stupid puns, villains that are actually evil, and (surprise) and actual story.

Not much of a story, but it's better then most Steven Sagal dreck. Must be the vampires.

Oh, yes, the vampires. They're everywhere, you know? They've got police and politicians in their pocket. They've got a finger in everyone's pie and we don't even know it. They sneak through our lives without us noticing and could swoop down and take us out before anyone could do anything about it.

Blade (Wesley Snipes) is the guy trying to stop that. Thirty years ago, his pregnant mother was bitten by a vamp before childbirth. As a result, Blade is a half-vamp, born with the physical strength, healing powers, and hunger for blood that all vampires have. Yet, unlike his kin, he can walk in sunlight with no problems and keeps his hunger under control by injections of a special serum. Very useful advantage, if you ask me.

He's going to need it, since he has gone and sworn to rid the world of every bloodsucker there is. With his weapon building but/mentor, Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) at his side Blade goes on a campaign of vampire slaying. We first meet him when he crashes a vampire nightclub called "The Bloodbath" for not so appetizing reasons. After pausing a few seconds to look impressive Blade proceeds to kill every motherfucker in the room. He's one dangerous dude.

All this slaying gets the vampire's ruling council a bit uppity and conservative, much to the chagrin of young hot shot vamp Decan Frost (Stephen Dorff). So, he takes matters into his own hands and concocts a plan to bring a vampire demon called "The Blood God" to Earth so he can. . .I don't know. What does one usually do with a vampire demon?

As a group, now: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky, TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

Narf.

Sound cool? It is, sorta. The problem is that the Blood God sub-plot isn't introduced until two-thirds of the way into the proceedings. Even then, characters talk about the creature in very cryptic tones that, instead of instilling fear, only confuse. "They'll be everywhere," you say? How? Can it do that? Oh crap, he died. Oh well, time to kill something else.

Oh and how could I forget our female lead? There has to be one these days, you know? Her name is Karen (her real name is N'Bushe Wright) and she's a hematologist. That's right, a blood doctor. Now, call me cynical

"YOU'RE CYNICAL!"

Ahem. Call me cynical, but that just seams too convenient for me. Though, it does mean she can contribute something to the plot instead of just being there to scream. She even gets in a pretty cool catfight near the end of the movie, too. As an actor she doesn't have to stretch much, but she fills her part out well enough.

Snipes, on the other hand, is perfect for his roll. Blade proves that Snipes can be a great actor, as long as his character isn't even remotely human. It's the same way with Dé Ah-nold, though Blade is a much livelier character in The Terminator, so I here by bestow the "Best Action Movie Actor Award" to (drum roll please) Wesley Snipes! Not that he had competition, or anything.

Blade's best true actor, however, is Kris Kristofferson, hands down. Whistler is not only the movie's most well defined character, but (because of the somewhat shallow script by David S. Goyer) Kristofferson supplies almost all of the definition himself.

I don't know, though. He's running neck and neck (no pun intended) with Steven Dorff. Dorff, though he seams a little new at this villain thing, pulls more then his own weight as Frost. He's not Agent Smith (The Matrix) but as villains go, you could do a lot worse.

But you probably don't care much about that, do you? You want to know about the action sequences, don't you? Well, I'm here to say that these things rock from coast to coast. They have an almost Hong Kong action flavor to them, as Blade backflips and slices through his enemies with his silver-plated Samurai sword. I hope the fight coordinator got a huge raise out of the opening fight alone, to say nothing of the climactic fight between Snipes and Dorff.  

After I suffered through Batman and Robin, I gave up all hope of a good superhero movie ever coming out. I thought they passed when Michael Keaton left the Batman movies. Blade has renewed my faith in the superhero movie. Be warned, though, it's violent, bloody, and shows everything from severed limbs to exploding heads in all their disgusting glory. So open your barf bags and grab your drool cups, you're in for a real ride here.

RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

GOOD FUN FOR ALL. EXCEPT THOSE WHO PUKE.