REVIEW DATE: 3:15:9:9
REVIEW DATE: 3:15:9:9
It's time once again, kiddies. Time to spin the Psy Chosis Big Wheel o' Pain. Know how we play? Its very simple, I spin the Big Wheel o' Pain to find out just what type of category today's pain inducing movie falls into
[Spins wheel]
. . .
Let's see. . .will it land on "Alien rip-off", "Jaws rip-off," or "Directed by (insert first name here) Band"? It's slowing down. . .could it be. . . yes the Big Wheel o' Pain has landed on "Xtro 2: The Second Encounter rip-off".
Quite a twist, huh? Didn't see it coming, did ya? Did ya?!
Yes, it's sad to say, but I've actually found an Alien rip-off that shares more with Xtro 2 then Alien. I wonder what you call a rip-off of a rip-off? A rip-off squared? Who knows? Who cares? The question I'm more interested in is "Why would anyone want to rip off Xtro 2?" I mean, I can see Alien but not Xtro 2. We have sick minds in this world boils and ghouls; there's no doubt about that.
However, the strangest thing in Alien Terminator is not the "Alien Terminator" (or whatever the hell this thing is named) or the fact that it rips-off Xtro 2, but it's title. Who in their right mind would name a movie Alien Terminator? I suppose writers Duke Lorr and Dave Payne were sitting around the house drinking. . .some sort of beverage and watching Jerry Springer when suddenly one of the had an epiphany. "Hey, Alien made money, Terminator made money, if we put those two titles together we could make twice as much money!"
Now, we must suffer the consequences. Or, at least I must, you shouldn't watch this movie. Of course, why anyone who doesn't have a movie review site would want to watch a movie called Alien Terminator is even further beyond me.
A big ass company run by The Boss (Dick H. Buchiett) has set up an inclosed environment five miles under ground. In that environment 6 scientists (4 male, two female) are placed. Our mad scientist Newton (Kevin Alber) has been working on constructing a drug that can turn humans into killing machines for Big Ass Co. (I'll call it that since I didn't write down the company's name) to sell to the military. He's also been making Crystal Meth in his spare time. Quite a guy, huh?
While high Newton accidentally cuts himself and drips blood onto a strange blue colored goop that, in retrospect, looks kind of like anti-freeze. The anti-freeze, mixed with Newton's blood creates this weird symbiotic, growing thingie. I really don't know what the hell it is, but it escapes, grows to about 7 feet tall and starts offing scientists left and right.
Just who are these scientists? They're nobody really. I think the term is "never wases", as in "staring a bunch of has beens and never wases" describes them nicely. Probably the only one anyone really cares about is none other then Maria Ford as the Winona Ryder look alike MaKay. Ford has had a long and strange carrier in the drive-in movie circuit. Most of them seam to be ether cookie cutter action movies (Final Judgment, Future Kick) or erotic thrillers (Striped to Kill 2, Naked Obsession). She could be a good actress. . .if only she stopped playing crap roles. Of course, by now her name is so synonymous with crap that that might prove impossible.
Really, though, that's what AT is, a drive-in movie. It stars has been actors, seams to be shot on a bottom line budget, and contains all of what Joe Bob Brigs calls the 3 B's: breasts, blood and breasts. Again, just like its Xtro 2.
Though, if memory serves, Joe Bob gave Xtro 2 a measly 2.5 stars. I gave Xtro 2 2.5 Gs as well because it could have been good, oh yes, if only it had some cash. Cash to hire better script writers, better actors, and get some good special effects instead of the bargain basement ones on display. Everything I said about Xtro 2 goes double for Alien Terminator. If you like Xtro 2 (snicker), and you rent AT get ready to spend two hours going "Hey didn't they do that in Xtro 2?"
Jesus, its call originality people! USE IT!
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)
RIP-OFFS OF RIP-OFFS: A GENRE TO AVOID AT ALL COST.