THis is my poetry, what i use to express myself, who i am. I'd like to thank Mrs Leutard, and Ms Russel, for inspiring me so much. CWC stands for Creative Writing Class, which means i wrote it in school.

A Child I See

A child I see,
With big brown eyes.
Glowing and yet not right.
She holds in her hands,
A small tattered doll.
With buttons for eyes,
And a raggedy shawl.
The dolls painted grin seems to laughs at me,
As if it knows something only I can see.
And know it does of this child's life,
Abused so young and now full of fright.
If only this doll could share its story,
Tell of her pain and her mourning.
Would it tell of the time, it was torn from her hands,
Thrown away and replaced by a man?
Would it tell of the child's silent cries it could hear,
But how it could do nothing but just sit there?
Would it tell of the pain it felt for the child,
Whose innocence was taken and defiled?
Would it tell of the world so humbily ripped,
From the innocent child's 8 year old grip?
The world of fairies, elves, nymphs and trolls,
Happiness, bliss, no bitter tolls.
I see and I know, and I can't stand to look.
As I put my 2nd grade picture, back in the book.

- 1998

A High School Student

-1999 English class

Who am I to you?

Who am I to you?
Am I person?
Am I a face?
Am I one of your kind?
Am I a toy?
Yes a toy.
Played with and throw away.
A new and old toy too.
Glittery on the outside
Always trying to look new.
Trying to be an extrovert.
Carefully maintaining my painted on façade.
Competing for your attention.
Inside,
My gears are splintered.
I fight to pretend like nothing is wrong.
I fight to seem like I am still whole.
But sometimes it catches up.
Sometimes my gears hurt and I pretend I am 'peachy keen'.
Is it only me who feels this way?
Feels like only the darkness of night accepts the pain?
I know I'm not alone,
But sometimes I reach out and there's no one to touch.
The Barbies, and the Soldiers, they walk look away.
Where's another broken toy, to help heal this secret pain?
I don't show to them I am broken, nor do I admit I feel any pain.
If I do I fear I will be broken again.
Shattered by those who laugh at the introverts.
Confusion.
Confidence and weakness touch each other.
Am I becoming who I pretend to be?
Are my colors the colors other have painted upon my shell?
Those who laugh at my difference, those who laugh when I show I am me…
They have made me this way.
But I can never tell Them to their face…
I can never show them the borealis of colors fading inside.
I am tired of fighting it…
To you,
I am just another face in the crowd.
To you,
I will always be,
Just another Toy in the toy chest.

- 1999 English Class

I am

What am I?
I am a lime in an orchard of lemons.
Glinting green against the yellow.
Standing out in the glory of my difference.
I think to myself,
Why should I belong?
I am
Proud to be different
- 1999 English, DAMN RIGHTS!

It never ends

Falling
Landing
Screaming
Silence
Touching
Retreating
Wanting
Denied
Begging
Leaving
Hiding
Cut open to your eyes.
In my written words I can tell you so much about myself, though my real voice lacks in the ability to describe.
I'd like to tell you, who ever you are.
I'd like to share me, but only if you share you.
I wont deny, I'm bitterly honest sometimes.
Some people bore me, because I know all of them in the first few words.
Stareo typical.
Though none of us really are.
That bimbo that you know, I bet she has hidden thoughts.
That geek you know, I bet you have things in common.
That jock that you know, I bet you both play the same video games.
That puck that you, isn't who you think they are.

- 2000 CWC

From The Depths

From the depths of the beyond,
To the highest peaks above,
Comes a power even greater than love.
Darker than the deepest night,
Hidden evening plain sight.
Stronger than the bonds you share,
It comes from deep within your fear.
The pain that grows within the soul,
Burns like fire, Stronger than desire.
May your nightmares haunt your dream's,
May you wake only to hear you scream's.
Plagued by the hate you have caused,
This curse to remind you…
Bid by Karma's laws.

- 2000ish, Written by Ashley and Me.

Single

I am a single lone entity in a class of creation,
Who went on a walk in search of inspiration.
We saw many things as the sun's rays beat down,
Everyone laughing being a clown.
We crossed the remains of an old beat up bridge,
Heading for the bank, sliding down a ridge.
Tia found a rock, ebony as can be.
Ashley found pirite, which glittered to see.
Chloe found a quartz, which sparkled bright,
Missy found a shell, that gleamed in the light.
Everyone found something, by the time it rained,
Minus one person, who stood out from the game.
The raindrops beat down, and we hiked up the ridge,
Preparing to cross, that old beaten bridge.
Then like lightning, this single entity was struck…
A piece of the bridge, was what I took.
A piece of the past, a piece of a tree,
A piece of life, as pure as can be.
It had held to its purpose, till its duty was done.
Now falling apart, it would most likely be shunned.
I wanted to remember, this old beautiful thing.
So with me a piece, is what I would bring.

- Spring 2001 CWC

Parts of me

Part of me was sprung from laughter,
My heart from stone that stood there after.
My arms were branches of a willow tree,
My fingers sprung from a tapestry of dreams.
My temper was sewn from a fire's hot glow,
My legs from the salt on waters I know.
My face was once, a soft melody,
My palms were forged from the prayers of tragedy.
My eyes were formed from mystery,
My hair from threads of history.
My torso was conjured, from the ashes of night,
My lips from an arrow, for words that fight.
For what I am and who I've been,
For everything I stand for and everything I've seen.

-2001 CWC

PING

What Is Ping?
Ping is what you hear
When the tap's left on at night,
The sound of the plane's wing,
cracking in mid-flight.
A spring suddenly singing,
As it soars out of sight.
Wine glasses kissing,
As they wish away their plight.
Tear drops breaking,
When they land against the glass.
A lighters life ending,
As its owners comes to pass.
A forget-me-not-chain,
Trompled over in the grass.
A broken toy soldier,
Marching within the mass.
A wounded spirit shattering,
As it hits the ice at last.
Wedding Rings caressing,
The years go by to fast.
A babies crib crying,
Bringing memories from the past.
The World coming to an end,
With a giant preplanned blast.

-CWC 2000/2001 I loved the word Ping...reminded me of mulan.

I've looked at night that way

When boogie monsters come out creeping,
When vampires wake from sleeping,
When death comes out to do his reaping,
I've looked at Night that way.
But now it seems to have lost its roar,
Only a blanket of darkness unlike before,
A comfort that makes me always crave more,
I've grown up in many ways.
I've looked at the Night from both sides now,
From up and down and all around, and still somehow
Its Nights illusions I recall
I really don't know the Night at all.

- 2000 CWC

Weeping for the willow

The willow stood watching,
Eyes of green.
Never faltering, from its
Day long scene.
It danced with the wind,
Twisting with delight,
Sheltering raccoons,
When there wasn't any light.
The ancient being gave
Praise to above,
Adored by the wanders,
Forever loved.
He danced in the breeze,
Always standing tall.
Shadowing the earth,
Giving shade to us all.
But the storms are always brewing,
Always striking fear,
And every time the lightening struck,
It seemed to be coming near.
With a last bold approach,
He held to his duty,
Reaching for the sky,
Ever moving.
When the warrior tree,
Breathed its last breath,
The world around it cried,
Mourning his death.

-CWC I like willows, i write stories involving them all the time.

~School~

Is this how the world sees me?
As the girl that gets good grades?
The little geeky child
With the back pack of duct tape,
And pants that match?
With the vibrant shirts and never skirts,
In the army camo with paint
Splattered all over the jacket
Marking where the paintball hit
As the girl with her hair in a pony tail or braid
The girl who spouts off Drama to herself in the halls?
And seems to be flat out insane?

I'm not like those girls with a layer of make up
In fact mine takes less than two minutes or nothing at all
I like to wrestle and get hurt
Because I don't mind at all the pain
I'm a tomboy and down right dirty
When it comes to winning the games
You never see me in the halls at lunch
Cuz I live in the art room
Its my home
No one can hurt me with their gaze
The teacher there loves to hate me
And we argue so much people say we could be married
But I glare at him and he glares at me
And I know after grad he'll be lonely
No one to rant and yell and call him names,
No one hitting him with books because he's taken the liberty of helping your drawing along
Will these halls forget me?
These halls that wear my paint?
I've left pieces of me behind,
Murals of things that represents what goes on in my mind

- 2001 CWC i had to do a diary entry thing, so instead i wrote this.

Why can't I feel like you?
Why don't I cry when I hear sad news?
Why can I feel other peoples pain,
And never embrace my own?
Do I have pain?
I know it's somewhere inside…
Only the words written express,
What audible words solomely hide.
Why do I have no regrets?
Not a single fucking thing.
Why no matter how bad things get,
Do I just shrug and think
"The wrong shapes the right."
I learn to embrace all that I am,
I learn to love every piece.
I learn to be my own person,
Not to be ashamed and not to shame.
I fall through life trying to live,
When existing is so much easier.
Do you want to come live with me?
Leave your couch and your securities.
Screw the order,
Screw the lies.
Be yourself,
Not this Cosmo charade of the beauty.
Ditch the perfection.
Ditch the straight line of conformity.
We all want to be different,
But in that we're all the same.
It's all futile,
Everything we do seems to contradict something else.
If you don't want to,
Don't listen.
Close this window and go away.
All I'm here to say,
Is live for the moment,
Live for the day.
Live for everything YOU want in life,
Not what life and its people say you should want.
Its better to die early knowing you did,
Than die old knowing you didn't and only survived.
Imagine you look back on life at the moment of your death,
And realize everything you achieved was only for what they said you should want.
To die and knowing everything you thought you had wasn't yours but theirs.
To see, so clearly… in those moments of helplessness you can't change,
You lived for the world, its possessions, and not what was within.
That you didn't feel that burst of freedom, that you when you looked in the mirror and were pleased, you were pleased with an image chiseled from a magazine and glued onto your face.
That you were simply the carbon copy, of what was before.

- August 2001, written after my grandpa died.

Cellophane

Here you are
Begging me to take you back

I'm suffocating

I'm suffocating

All I can think of is how much I want to tell you off
Leave me alone!
I'm dying in that relationship
There was nothing from me to you
Only you to me
I found nothing to share who I am with
I found a boy
That's all you are
A boy
You've put your invisible cellophane around my throat,
Over my mouth and nose.
You're saying over and over

"I just can't let you go"

As I fall deeper and deeper into black out
You're killing my freedom
I know you'll never be the one
All I want to do is rip myself from your grasp
Get away
Get your teeth out of my skin

"But I need you in my life"

So you say
You've only known me a short a while
All I am is a body for you to play with
My minds my own
I've never showed it to you
Why can't you just let it go?
Unbind me from this inner hell
Extroverted I was always happy
But you knew something was wrong
Right from the start I told you out
I wasn't looking for Love
But you didn't listen
That's not my fault
You fell for me and I want out
How am I supposed to live?
A gypsy can't be caged

" I can't live without you"

Desperate cries to keep my body bound to you
I wont
You tempt me
You make me feel guilty
Rip out my life essence; trap it in your jar
You want to stick it on your shelf so it will make you happy.
You want to be happy and want me to be happy with you
But that can't happen
Not when I can't feel

"No other girl compares to you"

Empty words
If you really cared you'd understand
You don't realize your own lies
I can feel my blood painting the walls
Blood is life
Everything needs it
I feel like I have no heart beat
Like I'm being cruel shunting you off
Should I just die here in your hands?
Let my mind wash out of my body
Let you suck the happiness from me and leave me a blow up doll?

I'm suffocating

You're suffocating me

It's Cellophane suffocation

- 2002, cellophane is a metaphor for love

You

You've told me that you love me
You've told me I'm your world
But I always sit in contemplation
Wondering how the fuck this could be
I've never said it back
The words seem so foreign on my lips
Because all you've ever seen is my exoskeleton
You've never seen the turning
Whirling
Falling
Shaking little girl inside.
You've never bothered to take the time,
And get into my mind.
I can't get on the same thought patterns as you
We're two different species
You want to make it work
But you don't see that it's killing me
having to stay trapped
I want to be let out
I can't take this isolation
The world thinks I'm your property
Just because we've been seen around
We've played a bit and I'm sorry
But it just doesn't work
You want into my world and I can't let you
There's no spark to grow into a flame
I need to find another like me,
You're the tender lover
I'm the rough and hard trapped girl
I need someone who can put a tag on my collar,
So I can put one on theirs
A tag of something other than ownership,
A tag of simple unbound companionship
It felt like you wanted to keep me
Locked up in my little box
And when I told you it was over
You tried to make me feel bad to take you back and lock myself away
But I wont fucking do this anymore,
I wont keep myself on your security chain
I need someone stronger
Who has a mind so much deeper
So that I can drowned myself in them
Instead of wading in acid waters

-2002, Why the heck do they get so attached?

Tear out

Are you reading the French side?

Can't you understand?

Advertissement La cigarette Vous Coupe Le Souffle

Is it too much effort to flip the pack over?

Does it take so much more than you have to give a damn?

It's your body and you're killing it

But it's your family's life you're ruining…

How can you miss it!?

It's right there in bold letters!

WARNING: Cigarettes leave you breathless

Did you never learn to read?

I know you did!

You read stories to me when I was little

You tried to teach me the morals of what's right and wrong

And yet that little red package never leaves your hand

That little red box of death follows you like a reoccurring nightmare

You cling to it

It's your safety net

Read the finer print

Where the truth is really told

Tobacco causes crippling, often fatal lung diseases such as emphysema

HOW CAN YOU MISS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

People say teenagers have god complexes

"It wont happen to me"

Tobacco has been related to several types of cancer

Why am I screaming and your not listening?

Does it affect hearing to?

I'm imagining life in a few months

When your not there to give me a ride

Or yell at me when you think I've done something wrong

I'm imagining going to your funeral

Where I wont be one who cries

Cuz I don't have the strength to support mom and me

I want to scream

But there's no one to scream to

There's this little voice inside me shaking

Why can't I break through your addicted walls?

I'll tear out my heart and give it to you

If it can replace the one coated by tar

I'll tear out my throat and give it to you

If it will stop the spreading sickness

I'll tear out my lungs and give it to you

If it will help you breathe

I'll tear out my eyes and give them to you

If it will only make you see

It's like a spiders web of acids,

You've succum to the world of lies

The market has bought you and branded you

They'll kill you too

You've become society's bitch now

You don't belong to me anymore

You've surrendered your life to a little red box

I always told you this would happen

I may not always wear it as a banner on my shirt but I care

But the nicotine is stronger than your love for me right?

I'll tear out my soul and stitch it around your cancer

If only it would help to ease

The pain and suffering that's going to come upon you

For living in your little red box of society

-2002 After the doctors scared us by saying my dad had cancer in his neck

The Common cold.

Weazing, coughing, sniffling, choking
Hacking, stinging, irritation, burning
It sucks to be sick in this way
Immunities are slow
You're waiting for the last cough to echo out of your lungs
Even breathing makes you want to vomit from the pain
But you haven't eaten anything solid in days
And all there is inside is a turning stomach filled with medicines
You've drunk half a bottle of Buckley's in less than 24 hours
Several times over the suggested dosage.
It tastes like the worst crap on earth,
And feels like your drinking mucus.
But hey, don't the commercials say it works?
Vicks VapoRub coats your skin
Making you feel oily and more dirty than you are
But hey, don't the commercials say it works?
Several different types of lozenges sit within hands reach
None of them effective enough to numb the needles in your throat
But hey, they commercials say it works?
You thought you could handle it
That your system would boot the virus out
But it isn't working,
And you're feeling worse and worse
Your body says you don't want to sleep
Even though your mind demands you just go lay down and end its torment
This isn't like regular pain
Because it's not self inflicted by stupidity
It's right in your blood,
Viruses bursting and releasing
Reproducing and feasting
You want to breathe a full breath of life
But your throats so swollen you might as well be a vault.
You want to crash and sleep
But thoughts of choking to death on flem tingle in your mind
What a way to die
You're loosing all confidence in any commercials on T.V
Nothing seems to ease away the lingering feeling of annoyance
Nothing makes you feel like you can breath again and aren't going to suffocate
But hey, look on the bright side
After you've had 110 colds in your life, you'll never have another one
You'll be immune

- Just for me, 2002, i hate being sick. And its true, after you've caught all 110 diffrent types of the cold, you're body will have immunities to them all.

Time

11:28
12:34
1:13
2:27
3:33
4:41
5:17
Why wont sleep come to me
Why does it tease by coming so near
I can taste its waters on my lips
I can feel its threads wanting to weave a blanket in my mind
I want it to take me and hold me close
Replace a barren feeling inside
I sleep under layers of blankets
Inside a sleeping bag to
To try and get the feeling of weight
Holding me as protection
I need to release my thoughts into sleep,
Turn my wants into my dreams
But every time it calls
It denies me when I accept
It's like trying to catch the river
With fingers that wont close
Everything just trickles by
So I'm left in wonder and wanting
Left in a restless bed of need
For so many things even sleep can't bring
So many things we all want to believe in
At night when all you want is peace,
Your mind can turn into utter chaos.
Everything you want begins to doubt
You begin to think pessimistically
You start to wonder about that other person
Who ever it might be
You wonder if they wonder about you
You wonder if they even care
Or if they simply dismiss you
When you're not standing right there
You try and push such thoughts away
But it's starting to entangle your mind
The lack of sleep drives you mad
You toss turn and get angst
Against the way the world denies
Everything they tell you to hope for
Love to taste it
To want it
But in wanting it are you denying it?
I've made myself so very happy
By making what I expect so low to the ground
That all of them can be achieved.
I've taught myself love isn't real
Because I'm so young it doesn't matter
But everyone searches from the time they're born
For that feeling of closeness
Will I be the kind that ends up alone because they waited to long
Or in waiting will I find someone who wont
I've stood at the edge of life and looked over,
Though how easy it would be
To just jump from the world of people
And try and enter Gods kingdom forcefully
I think we all think about it
But I'll always realize
This is the closest I'll get to either heaven or hell
Which one?
Only I decide

-2002 " Here you are, Unisom should help you sleep" YEAH RIGHT! DON'T TAKE IT! It keeps you UP for HOURS!

Welcome to my mind

Welcome to my mind
The empty world of Self
I am only a single entity lost in the chaos
I don't know what I need to know
Nor will I ever be able to grasp it all
I fall
I slide
I let myself go through each day trying to have fun
I'm strange
But not in the typical way
In my mind
Actions
The way I show myself to the world
Its so cluttered in here I change my mind so often
I drive myself mad sometimes wondering what I need to change about myself
No one will tell me
Then I think
SCREW THEM ALL! I am ME
But sometimes I'm not happy with just me
Everyone claims they're so accepting
But yet the things they don't accept they don't share
I just want to be someone else sometimes
The people I like rarely like me
I blow things SOOOO frequently
I need to jump off a bridge
And let myself hit waters of change
I don't want to let it bother me
But it does
I hate that
I try and convince myself it doesn't
But it does
I hate that
Tell me flat out damnit
I can't pick it all out myself
I know there's things inside me people have got to like
I like them about myself at least
That's what counts right?
I like it without making myself
Welcome to my individuality
My kindness
My acceptance
Bluntness
The way I bounce back from things
I am me
I should be damned well happy
I know I'll never sort it all out
I'll just kinda deal with it or brush it off
Brushing it off,
Brushing it off,
Brushing it off,
It's stuck.

-2002, BLEH! Like a diary into about three seconds of what passes htorugh my mind at super speeds.

My favorite line from any poem i've written,

Hells fire burning bright,

Flowing blood black as night.

Gotta love what RPing will do to your mind

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