Life Steps

Lessons Learned

Many folks have said "Hey Al! How did you become such a paragon of virtue? The epitome, the very essence of what mankind has struggled throughout the milleniums to achieve?"

I usually answer, in my modest, self deprecating way "clean living." (That I can say that with a straight face shows how deeply in denial I am.) But that answer would be a flippant response to what is, obviously, a deeply serious question.

No Grasshopper, the answer is far more complex.

I've become what I am because I've observed and learned from others.

Self- realization sucks, so learn from the mistakes of others when at all possible.

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Whoaa.....this is, like, waaay too serious....I need time to contemplate and reflect.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --blaming my parents.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- I always remember that a walk through the depths of most peoples intellects would barely get my feet wet.

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

and .....

Once you learn how to fake sincerity you've got it made.

You want more? Perhaps some wry observations on the human condition? How 'bout some cheap shots on the foibles of existence in general? What's that you say? What qualifies me to pontificate from on high?

Simple. While everybody else was rushing out to buy "Jonathan Livington Seagull" I was hearing the "ka-ching" of the cash registers. Case closed...

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath; Step 2: count to 10; Step 3: anonymously report boss for theft and/or sexual deviance

*Life is sexually transmitted.

* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

* It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

* The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

* Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

* Lead me not into temptation (I can find my own way).

* When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.