BECAUSE

#57

12/18/01

"Come on, Dana," Matt tries to pry the covers clutched tightly in my fingers. "You can't stay in there forever."

I snuggle down closer to the bed, making sure every last inch of my body is tightly curled beneath my covers.

"Dana," Matt coaxes patiently.

"I'm hibernating!" The snarl escapes my lips in a gruff tone but is immediately softened by the encasing comforter.

I hear Matt leave the room and sounds from the kitchen waft up the stairs. I'd be curious, but I don't have the energy for it. My emotions are dulled, lethargy having completely taken over both my body and mind.

"Look what I have, Dana…" Matt's footsteps sound again. "Just take a little peek!

I don't move a muscle.

Silence.

"Good guess," Matt sighs good-naturedly. "It's a giant hot fudge brownie sundae. Mmmm…. I just took a bite of your ice cream. Wow, is this good! Complete with homemade whip cream."

Even my ice cream sense has been dulled. It pops into my mind for a second and then is extinguished just as quickly. No temptation. No want. No care.

"Dana," Matt perches on my bed, one hand resting on my back, rubbing softly through the covers. "You've been in there for three days now. You have to come out eventually, you know. And trips to fill your water bottle and go to the bathroom do not count."

I simply ignore him, my eyes closed. My mind drifts away, wandering aimlessly. If I weren't so rational I would be delirious.

But how much difference is there really between dreams and reality?

If I changed the locks on my doors Matt wouldn't be able to get in. Of course, as much as I say the opposite, I do enjoy his presence. I want him to argue with me and to try to drag me out. I don't want to come out, only for him to want me to. I don't want him to give up on me.

Matt's footsteps wander away again. It doesn't occur to me to consider where he is going. It simply doesn't matter.

Absently, aimlessly, my mind strays but I have no ideas what I'm thinking. I couldn't tell you if my life depended on it. Lost…

A bucket of ice cold water comes crashing down, soaking me. I had missed Matt's footsteps coming back in.

I forget to act. I lie there, soaking, failing to move a muscle.

"You give me no choice, Dana!" Matt sounds almost cheerful.

Before I realize what's going on, he scoops me up in my cocoon. I would fight, resist, but I have no strength. Even my mind only slowly stumbles on the idea after it's too late.

I'm blind, still wrapped firmly in my comforter. The soft motion of being carried is soothing.

So tired…

Some deep recess of my mind tells me I'm in a car, but I fail to comprehend. It's a fleeting thought at the edge of my mind, flitting around.

Car stops. Carried.

I'm numb, lost.

We stop. We sit. Matt pulls me near him. I feel a cooling breeze through my comforter. He pulls me close, simply holding me.