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1.If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
2.If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing t tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
3.To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
4.To me clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goies back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
5.As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
6.I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
7.Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!
8.If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
9.It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
10.If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
11.I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"
12.You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
13.I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
14.Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
15.Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
16.If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
17.Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
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