A Memorial to Kenny

1/13/00 - Happy Birthday Kenny - I can't believe you've been gone 5 years now. I miss you as much today as I ever have. I miss not seeing you bring in this new Millenium, I miss your face, your voice, your presence. I miss you. I miss you not knowing you're going to be an uncle. If the baby is a boy, he will be named after you, such a comforting thing...I'll see you in my dreams and thoughts...I love you Baby....Mom

1/13/01 - Happy Birthday, My Son - I just wanted to let you know that you're strong in my thoughts today and that I love and miss you so much. I wanted you to know, too, that you have a little nephew. He's so precious, you would have loved being the "Uncle" and watching him grow and teaching him everything that you know about sports. He looks just like a little "Stanley" but carries your name, Kenny not Kenneth. It's so hard to believe you would have been 28 today. All these years without you doesn't lessen the pain in my heart knowing that you are gone. Happy Birthday again, MY precious Kenny...I love you....Mom

7/17/01 - My precious son, you are on my mind today so much. Since hearing this afternoon that Chris joined you last night, I have relived the day you were taken from us over and over. My tears fall for you both, for the lives you'll never live and the emptiness that is left behind with you gone. There is small comfort to know that you are now together, as you were in the past. My heart aches to see that, as time goes by, and you are joined by those that loved you so much, even though it means you are less alone. I still have no answer to why the young are taken. I miss you, Kenny, as much today as yesterday and all the yesterday's before it...Love, Mom.

12/5/01 - Another year passes and still it's as though it was yesterday. I still hear your voice and see your face everywhere. You jump in and out of my mind but you remain constant in my heart, forever. I miss you so much, Kenny, and can't believe it's been seven years since you left us. Where did the time go? As always, I love you and miss you so very much.....Love, Mom

01/13/02 - I was working on miniatures today with no concept of the date. I finally stopped and decided to check my mail, still with no awareness of the date. I was thinking of Jenny and the difficulty she is having with her pregnancy when all of a sudden a great sadness came over me. I was hoping and praying that all goes well with the rest of her pregnancy and suddenly realized that little Brianna will never know her Uncle Kenny. I looked up and the date hit me, today is your birthday. Now I know what the sadness is, it's another birthday without you. There's so much you have missed, the birth of your namesake, Little Kenny, the expectation of Brianna in May, seeing Stanley as such a good father and husband....the list goes on and on....I still remain partially empty without you. It you can, please look down on little Brianna and see that she joins this world, safe and healthy, give Jenny the strength she needs to make it through this. I love you and miss you my precious baby boy....Happy Birthday, my son. Love, Mom.

06/28/02 - With you as her special guardian, little Brianna came into this world on May 8th (the day before little Kenny's 2nd birthday) as a healthy, beautiful little baby. Both she and Mommy did well. I wish so much that you could see little Kenny with her. He loves her, watches over her and calls her "Honey." How I wish they could know you, too. I miss you so much, Kenny....Love, Mom.

12/05/02 - Another year goes by without you. I thought that this year would be different and my heart would be just a bit lighter, but I find that you are very strong in my mind today and I have an ache that still cries for you. I thought that I would even try to put up a tree this Christmas, now I'm having second thoughts because the effort seems too much. Oh Kenny, I miss you so much, if I could only have one more day with you. There would be so much to say to you, so many things I wish I could show you, and one more chance to let you know how much I love you. I miss you, I miss that man that you would be, I miss everything about you, and the life that still has yet to be full again. Love always, Mom.

1/13/03 - Happy Birthday, Kenny. It's hard to believe you would have been 30 years old today. Another milestone in your life that you won't see. This year is especially hard and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I miss you as much today as I did the day you left us, I don't know. I'm thinking about Stanley's 30th surprise party and the loss of that for you. I can picture your face at your party, but know that you would pretend not to be surprised. But the twinkle would have shown in your eyes. There's a small comfort in knowing you are with me now (and I thank Stanley for that), but it doesn't lessen the pain in my heart that you are not here in person. I'm planning a special place for you with that batting trophy that you loved. I love you baby boy, 1/13/73 - 5:31 p.m. - 30 years today. All my heart, Mom.

12/05/03 - It's been nine long years without out and today I decided to spend this day with little Kenny and Brianna. Nanna had a sleep-over while Stanley and Jenny went with Danny and Dena to light your candle at St. Patrick's in New York. You're always still thought of each and every year and Stanley still misses his "little" brother, as much now as ever. I wish you could see your niece and nephew. Kenny is such a little quacker now and he even talks about you. He knows he has your name and he knows you died. He says that's so sad, and he's right. You would love this little guy. What can I tell you about Brianna. This is one beautiful little girl who would melt your heart and get you to do anything she wanted, she sure has her Daddy and Grampa wrapped around that little finger of hers. Being without you is never easy but being with those grandbabies helps with the pain of losing you. But even though these babies are the joy of my life now, I still have those moments when losing you consumes me and missing you hurts so much. You are still my baby boy and life without you is never quite whole. I love you, Kenny....Love always, Mom.

1/13/04 - Happy Birthday son. Where do I begin this year? It's been a difficult time for me this past holiday season. We're entering a decade without you and that seems such a long time. Why does it feel so fresh this year? I don't know, but I do know that I feel your loss much more lately and you're in my thoughts more frequently. I keep wondering what your life would have been like by now. Would you have been married with children of your own? Would you and your brother be close? Would you live near to us or far away? Occasionally, we run into old friends of yours and the memories of you being with them flood us. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see sad eyes looking back at me and I know the sadness is because you're not here. I miss you, Kenny, more than anyone will ever know. Somehow, our lives go on without you, but for those moments when mine stands still, you will always be in my thoughts and forever in my heart. I love you, my son, my baby boy. Mom

12/5/04 - How has 10 years gone by without you? I still go through the motions and for all intents and purposes, I'm fine. But my insides still cry for you. I miss you as much today as I have every single day since you've been gone. When I think of all these years and all the things you've missed, it breaks my heart. To never know your niece and nephew and for them to never have known you is such a saddess that it's sometimes hard to bear. To know that Stanley is always without you breaks my heart because I can see the sorrow in his eyes when he is thinking about you. As the tears roll down my face once more, I will keep your memory alive inside of me and I'll forever carry the hurt and pain that you were taken from all of us so suddenly. I miss you so much, Kenny, and sometimes I wish I was with you, if for no other reason than to tell you how much I love you. Be well, my son, and know that you will never be forgotten. Love forever, Mom.

1/13/05 - Here we are, another year and another birthday that I celebrate with you. I wonder if it strikes anyone else what day it is? I'm sure you are in Dad and Stanley's thoughts, but I wonder who else or has time taken it's toll and your memory is beginning to fade from some of your old friends? I know you are remembered by some in December, but for me, you're birthday is the day that I miss you the most. I woke up this morning and said I'd go to work this time. This time I won't spend your birthday like I do all the other ones since you've been gone. But you know what, 10 birthdays without you doesn't make this one any easier, and I woke up and just couldn't do it. I miss you as much today as all the other days that have gone by and I expect all the days yet to be. So here I am, reading all the things I've written to you since I began this page and there is not one single thing that has changed. You are in my thoughts so much all the time. In fact, I took a picture the other day of the trees outside the house because the shadows from the sun were casting images and I could almost picture a gorilla's face the way the shadows were falling through them. When I brought the picture up on the computer, the shadow image was gone but three faces were hidden in the leaves between the trees. Kenny, I swear, those faces were yours. One of them was you when you were smaller, one was a little older, and one was around high school. Do you visit us? I hope so. I hope that the sunny days we have are because you are smiling down on us and the rainy ones are when you miss us, too. My love goes to you, my son and my heart will always remain half empty without you. I love you and Happy Birthday. Always, Mom.

12/5/05 - Here we are again. I told myself I wouldn't do this again but as the holidays start, so do strong thoughts of you. There is so much I would have loved for you to see this year. Kenny is growing so much and you would just love him. He's more of a "animal guy" than a sports person, but he's young and the sports are sort of growing on him. He's turning into a regular baseball guy. He even pitched last year and would have done better if he kept the glove away from his face. He doesn't hit so well, but he has his Dad to help him and he's coming along. Besides, he's only a little guy so there's a lot of time to work on that. What can I say about Brianna. She is so beautiful and would definitely have you wrapped around her finger. Some of the things that come out of that girl's mouth would have you in stitches. She's such a little princess, and such a girly-girl - except she has no fear and will probably do things Kenny would never do (kind of like you and Stanley - except you were always the gutsy one). They are growing up knowing of you but it's not the same as knowing you. They will never understand what they have missed until a lot of years have gone by. Stanley and Danny will be going to New York tonight to light their candles and to be together today. I just hope they are careful because it's supposed to snow and they are driving this year. I will worry until they return. I'm going to try harder this year to enjoy the holidays, partly because of the grandkids, but mostly for me and Dad. I even put up a tree with all the trimmings. It's not real like we used to do and it doesn't have any of the old ornaments on it, but it's there. You'll be missed again this year and there will be small comfort in being with the family since there will always be an empty spot that nobody can quite fill. But being with Stanley, Jenny and the kids on Christmas Eve helps. I love you, Kenny and will always miss you at this time of year and every day in-between. Love, Mom.

1/13/06 - Happy Birthday, Kenny. What can I say to you this year? Do I tell you that you are still missed every day? You know that. What a mixed blessing this message is because now you have both Grandma and Grandpa Woz to watch over you. Grandma left us New Year's Eve but there is comfort in knowing that she is with you and Grandpa. Sunday we will have a celebration of life for them and for you. We will all share pictures from over the years and stories of things that were so the little ones can know all of you and we will keep your memory alive for as long as we live. Even without that, you are in my heart every single day and your memory is as strong now as it ever was. It's funny how much I forget over the years, but when it comes to you, I still see your grin and the way you used to nod your head just before you laughed. I still hear your voice, "yo, Mom" and I long to give you a hug. That will never change but I think I need to stop adding to these messages. It sometimes is overwhelming for me in the days before your birthday to know that I cannot forget to come here. One day it will happen and it will tear me apart and I will think, "how could I have forgotten"? I won't let that happen so I will choose to do it myself. If there comes a time when I don't visit on your day, know that you are still with me and still alive in my memories. Always know that you are loved and missed no matter what happens. My precious boy, you are still the light of my life and without you my world is dim. All my love, ALWAYS, Mom.

12/05/06 - Where did this last year go? It's always the same, isn't it? We start the year and before we know it, we're here again. Has it really been 12 years now? It seems like it wasn't that long ago since you were taken away. I guess that's because you're still alive in my heart and my head and I keep wondering when you will be home. Silly isn't it? Even now, I expect the phone to ring and you to be on the other end. I'm still using your old radio with the message capability. I hit the wrong button the other day and there was your voice. I just sat and cried. I don't know how to erase it and I don't want to even if I did know. This has been such a bad year. Lenny died and then Jill a couple of months later; right after that, Carmen (you didn't know her) from camp. Each of them so suddenly and unexpected. But you're getting some good company. Before you know it, we'll all be with you again. Will you remember us because we will never forget you? It's almost Christmas again and the kids are so excited this year. Kenny is six now and Brianna is four. It's funny when they come over to the house. I have the picture of you hanging on the wall in the "toy" room. It was one I took when you were in high school down by the water when we living in Morningside. They always comment how that's Uncle Kenny, isn't it? Stanley shares pictures and stories about you with them all the time. They never got to meet you, but they know who you are. I wonder how many of the people you knew even think of you at this time of year. I know that I never stop thinking about you and even though some days are better than others, this day is always the worst. I miss you, baby, and long to give you a big hug and kiss and tell you how much you have always meant to me. Someday....Love, now and always, Mom.

1/13/07 - Happy Birthday, Kenny. Can you possibly believe that you would have been 34 years old today? Where have all the years gone? It seems that time passes yet some things remain the same, like how much I still miss you. Things are better though and this year was the first one that came where I didn't spend the time dreading the days leading up to your birthday or going through the old pictures that I know will make me cry. It's not that I'm used to you being gone, it's just that I need to stop spending the day crying and pouring over the pictures that I know will break my heart. I find that I can sometimes look at some of the old ones now and have wonderful memories rather than an ache to know that there will be no more memories. The saddness now is not only that you are not here during the holidays, but that as the kids grow, they will never know what it would have been like to know their Uncle Kenny. But you will always be with the rest of us, in our hearts and our minds and we will always remember you and love you. Bright Blessings, my son. All my love, ALWAYS, Mom.

1/13/08 - This would have been a big year for you - 35 years old - a milestone in your life that you will never see. You are in my thoughts and in my heart today and always, as though you were still here with us. Kenny slept over last weekend and he usually stays in the room where your picture is. We were talking about moving things around and he asked where I was going to put Uncle Kenny's picture. Even though he never had the joy of meeting you (and you him), he knows who you are and you live in his mind through Stanley. Stanley makes sure that his children know about Uncle Kenny and he talks to them about you and him when you two were young. It's these things that make me most sad, that they will never know the joy of creating their own memories with you. I miss you, Kenny, sometimes more than others, but always, every single day. As always, my love stays with you, Mom.