A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised,
the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish
you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed
and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed again." The priest overheard
and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish
you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter,
"Oh fuck…" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance
a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
AND NOW-for those of you who have always wondered How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?-well here is the answer:
Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks
and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited
to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the
next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life
and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
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-I present my fable on the age-old argument about denominations in the so-called "Christian" Church:
One day, after Jesus gets back to his house after his morning million mile run throughout the heavens (OK Im a runner, so humor me ), he gets summoned by a couple of angels to his dad's place. Well, Jesus gets there, and of course the angels are making busy as usual. However, all of a sudden, Jesus sees some of them juggling with Carpenters' tools. Next, Jesus sees his buddy Michael the Archangel trying to talk to a group of 12 of his friends, yet they keep falling asleep as Mike is talking. Then God says:"Jesus, you are going on a little trip." Jesus then begins to put things together and turns white, muttering "OH NO, not again." Suddenly, God and the all the angels in the house start laughing hysterically: "Nope, we're just messin with ya...you dont have to save them again, but you have to return for some followup visitation work....."
Say what, Jesus thought. God explains that its time that they find out how their creation is doing with the message which was delivered 2000 yrs ago. So, Jesus has to go back down and visit ALL the different denomnations and churches, to see how people are doing with following Him, Dad and the Bible. "NO PROBLEM" Jesus says, and poof......He gone!!!!!!
Well, in about 10 minutes, God hears all this groaning and moaning coming from Jesus' old bedroom. God goes in to find Jesus sprawled out on his old bed, with angels running back and forth from his bathroom with bottles of tylenol. Another angel is holding an ice pack on Jesus' head, and Jesus has His feet soaking in hot water. Oh, and why Jesus cant stop sneezing and shivering?
"What happened down there" asked God.
Jesus replied:" Ohhhhh Dad, it was worse than last time. I visited all these different churches and denominations. One told me I had to be baptized in order to be saved. Another told me that the first baptism didnt count, so I had to be immersed. Another Sunday, I went to a church that told me I needed to be pure and sinless and holy.....I asked them how to do that, but all they told me was to pray about it. Another time, I was instructed about praying to saints-when I asked aren't we all saints, I was asked to leave. Then I went to this place which told me that since I didnt speak in tongues, I really didnt have the Spirit in me. Another place told me that once I was saved, I didnt have to worry about anything else."
God just shook his head, and asked Jesus "Was there anything else?"
"Oh Yeah," said Jesus "They argued over everything-whether women should be ordained-and You know how pissed Priscilla's gonna be when she hears that one Dad! And there's alot more-like did you really want them to believe in the Trinity, if the gifts of the Holy Spirit still work now,when am I coming back, when do they get our Holy Spirit, are they always saved, what happens to people who never heard of me and you. Some of them think they will know your word better by arguing and discussing these things, but they end up having these endless discussions-and then they stop talking to each other. They have limited tolerance for each other, for diversity and differences, and sometimes they dont even want to be with people who dont worship like they do, or who dont believe exactly as they do all the time."
God then asks "Well, was there anything good about the trip?"
"Yeah," said Jesus. "There are alot of people on Earth who love me and you, and who are really trying to follow us and tell other people about us.And I met people who really try to love others, and pray for each other too. Also, I got to see how people worship us in many ways, and I liked the singing and praising and even the people who spoke in tongues. And sometimes, people came together despite denominational differences, like when there were disasters, or during holiday parade floats or for my birthday."
God then said"So boy, what's your conclusion?"
Jesus replied "Well Dad, its like this: People are really trying to love us, follow us and share us with others. But, YOU made them with free will and individuality, and so they made denominations out of us. They like to argue and discuss-and sometimes they do it out of pride and wanting to one up each other-but I think deep down they are looking for you and me. And though going to all these denominations gave me a headache, walking pneumonia and a sore butt -those Baptist sermons go on forever-I enjoyed worshipping you in different ways. And that Dad is what I think denomations do for people down on earth-they give different folks different ways to express their love for me and you......"
WELL I GUESS THAT IS IT FOR NOW-If you care to give me your 2 cents on anything you see here, 
me or leave me a message in the guestbook. SOOOOOOOOOO.....Peace Out, JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED and REMEMBER-HE had a sense of humor-SO WHY SHOULDNT WE?...........BOBBY
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WHAT UP FELLOW SEEKERS AND SOJOURNERS............
I am a psychiatric/clinical social worker in my late 40s,and have spent most of my career (25 yrs now-dang Im old LOL) working in psychiatric hospitals. As one who chases after or struggles to mimic Christ(the word CHRISTIAN means "little Christ" or "follower of Christ"-and it would be arrogant for ME to believe that I could achieve that status in this life)in behavior, I seek to remember the words of Jesus, in terms of seeing my patients as the "least of them". However,as a LIBERAL Lutheran/PROFESSIONAL SOCIAL WORKER, I do not believe in pushing my beliefs on anyone else/judging others. I see faith or spirituality as an evolving personal journey, experience or SOJOURN, and have come to believe that there are many paths to God and JESUS.I also despite the word religion-YECH-man's attempt to find God by regulating thoughts and behavior, instead of letting the God who found us transform us through His Spirit and the saving grace of His son. Hence, though I think that Jesus is the coolest dude who ever graced the planet, and hope(HECK-to be honest,REALLY REALLY HOPE) to meet Him some day, I stuggle with the Bible's obvious conclusion that only those who "accept" Jesus will enter the kingdom of heaven. I think God and Jesus are much bigger than what is often presented by the "good Christians"(my favorite oxymoron!!!), and I try not to ever place "God in a box". At this point, lest anyone has any question as to what I believe, I will tell you that every day I thank Jesus for dying for me and chosing me to be recipient of His saving grace. I have been blown away by the love of Jesus Christ for 30 years, and my most fervant hope again is to see Him one day.....
Also, I find it hard to believe-or as my younger son would say- I S-T-RUGGLE- that God would sacrifice his beloved son JESUS so HE could die to save only the minority of the planet.Also,though I respect the genuineness and uniqueness of others' faith experiences,I do not subscribe to the "MAGIC MOMENT" or BORNAGAIN view of coming to CHRIST, as we Lutherans are brought up in an evolving faith in God and Christ. Yet to round out this discussion, I am not that arrogant to admit that faith remains a mystery for me, and I wonder about all the fine nonchristian people who i have met throughout my life...and what happens to those whose light is not that of CHRIST(gotta stop reading those addictive LEFT BEHIND books LOL).....and you thought being a fence straggler was EASY???????
In addition to my social work, I have the privilege of being a single parent to 2 great sons. Though it has been just the 3 of us for the past 15 yrs, they are happy, bright and welladjusted, and are the greatest blessings of my life (even if my computer time is limited, they eat alot and they use an incredible amount of towels on a daily basis LOL).
AND NOW-I have finally reached the EMPTY NEST stage of life-WOOHOO!!!I now have time for a few hobbies, including architecture, the writing of scifi short stories, music and RUNNING!!! YEP,I started running again in 2003- I will never forget the one half-marathon I ran 10 yrs ago-I was passed by a blind man, baby carriage and the dog!!! But I finished, and as Paul wrote, "forgetting what lies behind, I strain forward....."AND WATCH OUT ANCHORAGE ALASKA HERE I COME-yep, I ran a half marathon in Anchorage in June 2004, and man was it ever sweet!!! 2005 has been a monumental year runningwise-I RAN MY FIRST TWO MARATHONS EVER!!!!!!-Thank you JESUS!!!-VCM in May and WINEGLASS in October. Finally, I have a particular professional interest in grief counseling, and in how a dying patient's religious beliefs can help him/her immensely, as well as comfort the family which is left behind.
Well, that is about it for now. Below is a picture of my son Kevin at the NCAA firstround men's Division One College Basketball Tournament in Cleveland this past 16 March 2000, when his university made it to the BIG DANCE for the first time in 22 yrs, only to lose to KENTUCKY in DOUBLE OVERTIME (ask me sometime how Kevin's university beat Temple in 2000-it was incredible......!)
