Alan Chamberlin’s Waiting Room

1) Please tell me your name: (Do not hit return)

2) Describe the exact symptoms in 25 words or less making sure to avoid the use of all nouns, verbs, adjectives and punctuation. Prepositions are allowed only if they serve to make the description less clear.

(Do not hit return)

3) Is the problem a persistent or intermittent one?

 

Persistent

Intermittent

4) Do you feel this way in spots or is it all over?

 

In Spots

All Over

5) Would the amputation of any body parts correct the problem?

 

Yes

No

6) Have you considered amputation in the last 48 hours? (Lorena Bobbitt need not respond.)

 

I am Lorena Bobbit

I only know Lorena Bobbit

7) Is this condition a result of an encounter with extraterrestials?

 

Yes

No

8) What form of credit card are you using to pay for these services?

 

Visa

Discover

American Express

My first baseman and a first round draft pick

Two chickens and some back bacon, ey.

9) Depending on your credit line are you willing to enter into a long term doctor/patient relationship?

 

Yes

No

Please submit a complete set of references. If you have ever been arrested, we will require a copy of the arrest report.

Thank you for your responses. Please don’t call us, we will call you.