My old friend Grief is back. He comes to visit me once in a while just to remind me that I am still a broken woman. Surely there has been much healing since my daughter died three years ago, and surely I have adjusted to a world without her by now. But the truth is, we never completely heal and adjust to the loss of a major love. Such is the nature of loss that no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how much life has been experienced, the heart of the bereaved will never be the same. It is as though a part of us also dies with the person we lose. We will be all right, but never the same.

And so my friend Grief drops in to say hello. Sometimes he enters through the door of my memory. I'll hear a certain song or smell a certain fragrance or look at a certain picture and remember how it used to be. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face, sometimes a tear. . . sometimes both. Some may say that such remembering is not healthy, that we ought not dwell on thoughts that makes us sad, yes the opposite is true. Grief revisited is grief acknowledged, and grief confronted is grief resolved.

But if grief is resolved, why do we still feel a sense of loss and get a lump in the throat even years later and when we least expect it? It is because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don't take a part of our loved one with us. Of course, the intensity of the pain decreases over time if we allow Grief to visit us from time to time. Sometimes my friend Grief sneaks up on me, and I'll feel unexplained and profound sadness that clings to me for days. Then I'll recognize the grief and cry a little and I can go on. It is as though the ones we loved and lost are determined not to be forgotten.

My old friend Grief doesn't get in the way of my living. He just wants to come along and chat sometimes. In fact, Old Grief has taught me a few things about living that I would not have learned on my own. Old Grief has taught me that if I try to deny the reality of a major loss in my life I end up having to deny life altogether. He has taught me that although the pain of loss is great, I must confront it and experience it fully or risk emotional paralysis. He has also taught me that I can survive great losses, and that although my world is very different after a major loss it is still my world and I must live in it. He has taught me that when I am pruned by the losses that come, when I let go I can flourish again in season and bring forth the good fruit that comes, not in spite of my loss but because of it. But the greatest lesson my friend Grief has taught me is that the loss of a loved one does not mean the loss of love, for love is stronger than separation and longer than the permanence of death.

My old friend Grief may leave me for a while, but he'll be back again to remind me to confront my new reality and to gain through loss and pain.