Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
61. 夾斷
有一個人，乘船欲往對岸做活，當船與別的船隻交錯時，
他剛巧把手放在船舷上，結果，一根指頭被夾斷了。
回家後，他把這件事告訴太太，太太嚇了一跳，大叫：
「哎呀！好危險！你也真是的。從現在開始，凡是船要交錯時，
不管發生什麼事情，決不可小便哦！」
62. Maths..
There are 3 sheep in a pasture. 3 more sheep enter the
pasture. 4 sheep are struck by lightning. 1 sheep is eaten by the
big bad wolf. If 2 sheep leave the pasture, then how many sheep
would be in the pasture. More, importantly, if, 1 more sheep entered
the pasture, would it be empty again. If you divided the original
number of sheep by zero, would there be inifinite sheep?
63. four gents
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.
One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing
their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has
made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a
carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful
in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a
gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a
car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful,
in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And
in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they
have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To
tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies.
"For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently
discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at
what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new
house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
64. more you rub, the bigger it gets
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed
that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the
blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding
none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word
'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about
halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit,
so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week,
she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the
board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed
off vigorously. At the end of the week, she walked in
expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found
the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
65. 頭下腳上
有一個人因為壞事做太多了,被判下地獄接受酷刑,
判官告訴他,有三種酷刑可讓你選擇,第一種是放在滾燙的熱水中,
一直滾,一直滾,那個人說"太可怕了,第二種呢?"判官又比給他看,
第二種是把一個人的頭,腳,手全部用繩子綁起來,然後五馬分屍.
那個人看了,更害怕的說"那 ....那第三種呢?" 判官又帶這個人
去看第三種酷刑,那個人一看, 看到一群人站在一個深及膝蓋的糞池裡,
愉快的聊著天,那個人想,還好嘛,酷刑???比前面兩個好多了,只是臭了
一點,他就跟判官說他選這一個,然後他就站進那個糞池裡了.
過了一會兒,判官過來跟大家說"好了,午茶時間結束,現在馬上
換回頭在下腳在上的姿勢".
66. 告解
有一天,有一個少女...跑到教堂告解......
少女:噢,神父....我昨天罵了髒話.......
神父:.....是什麼呢??
少女:@#$%!!!狗娘養的!!!!
神父:這樣很不好唷.....上帝不是教我們要相親相愛嗎?
......你為什麼罵呢??
少女:昨天有個男的親了我....
神父親了少女一下.....問到:是不是這樣子??
少女:嗯
神父:可是你還是不能罵他呀.....(奸笑貌)
少女:可是他還脫了我的衣服......
神父脫了少女的衣服...問到:是不是這樣子呀???
少女:嗯.......
神父:可是你還是不能罵他.......(暗爽貌)
少女:可是他還把我那個那個呀......
神父於是就把少女那個那個.......
完事後...問到:是不是這樣阿....(慈祥的微笑)
少女:.......嗯(不情願)
神父:可是你還是不能罵他唷.....(笑的更深了)
少女:....不不不.....最重要的是他有 AIDS .....
神父:阿~~~..........狗娘養的!!!!!
67. 小弟弟
今天早上剛到學校，由於離起床時間不久，小弟弟還
是採不合作態度，不太肯〞低頭〞。
一到實驗室，看到身材姣好的學妹，小弟弟更〞強硬〞
。沒辦法，只好裝作若無其事進實驗室，沒想到學妹劈頭就
說：〞喔......你終於硬了！”....害我煞時滿臉通紅，不
知如何是好！
接下來學妹說：〞你這個死印表機，等這麼久。終於〞印〞
了呵....，哼！〞。 喔，害哇勒....一身冷汗直流.....
這一螫騰，小弟弟頓時真無法適應ㄋㄟ！是耳朵害了它
嗎？爛耳朵，下次小心點。
68. 男人三寶
A女問B男:東北有那三寶啊?
B男:你怎麼這麼笨啊!就是人蔘.貂皮.烏拉草!
A女又問:那你知道男人有那三寶嗎?
B男:嗯.....我不知道說...到底是那三寶呢???
A女:唉呀!你真遜耶....就是.香腸.貢丸.一堆毛........
69. BETTING WOMAN
An elderly lady walked into a branch of Citibank holding a large bag
in her hand. She told the teller at the window that she wished to take
the 3 million dollars that she has in the bag and open an account with
the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the
president of Citibank.
Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that
this was a reasonable request and after opening the bag and seeing
bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to $3 million, the teller called
the president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted up to the president's office and ushered in.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know
the people that she did business with on a more personal level.
The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of
money.
"Was it inheritance?" he asked.
"No" she answered.
"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No" she answered.
He was quiet for a second trying to think of where this elderly lady
could have possibly come up with 3 million dollars.
"A bet" she stated.
"As in the horses?" he asked.
"No," She replied.
"I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained
that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she
said "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls
will be square."
The bank president thought that this old lady was off her rocker and
decided to take the bet. He didn't know how he could lose.
For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home
that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
sure everything was ok. There was no difference in his scrotal
appearence. They looked the same as always. He went to work and waited
for the woman to come in at 10:00, humming as he went.
He knew that this would be his lucky day. How often do you get paid
$25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a
man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in his
office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she
always took him along when there was that much money involved.
"Well" she asked, "What about the bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this" he replied, "But I am the same as
I've always been, only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to except this, but requested that she see for
herself. The president thought this was a reasonable request given the
amount of money involved, and he dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed hold of him....sure
enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The president looked up and saw her lawyer standing there across the
room banging his head against the wall. "Whats with him?" he inquired.
"Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this
morning I'd have the president of Citibank by the balls."
70. 粗口的由來
小太陽小學詞語練習
鳥
古人稱男人那話兒作鳥，因為那話兒其形似鳥首，又有鳥巢
，更有一雙鳥蛋作伴，因而為名。
例句：你隻小鳥好趣緻喎，唔曉郁ｏ既？
屌（門＋小）
鳥為名詞，而屌則是歪其音作動詞解也，所以屌是那話兒進
行某種勾當的意思。
例句：小姐，如果你唔介意我想屌下你．．．
鳩
一種笨拙而霸道的鳥類，不懂築巢卻去霸佔鵲巢住，而戇鳩
則是形容人們戇居笨拙而不自知，還要自以為是的蝦蝦霸霸
了！
例句：阿邊個好戇鳩！
撚
撚者，用手精心製作東西也，此所謂撚手小菜，即廚師精心
炮製的菜式，而廚師煮食時，因為爐火的溫度加上過份的粗
勞，會導至面貌扭曲，還有面上沾著爐灰，更是醜上加醜，
所以撚樣即形容某人雖面相不差，但卻做了某種事令人覺得
他面目可憎，當別人問你：做乜撚野！即說你做了一件令他
很不高興事情了！
例句：你睇！陽一個撚樣幾難睇？
扑野
從前有個鐵匠，在深夜工作後一時興起與其妻子ｘｘ起來，
可能因為鐵匠一向粗魯，ｘｘ時弄到床板隆隆有聲，鄰居聽
到後便拍門追問原因，那鐵匠便答道：「唔好意思，扑梗野
呀，好快得架啦！」
以後人們便稱那件事為扑野了！
七頭
七頭是有典故的，話說當年七個小矮人對白雪公主毫不動心
，竟然對著這個天仙女子這麼長的日子也不ｘｘｘ，後來人
們形容一些傻鈍的人為七頭了！
雕隙星
古代是沒有吹氣公仔的，所以古人便以一些木像作為ｘｘ的
對象。但，問題來了，那些木像是沒有一個可供小鳥ｘｘ的
隙口的，幸好，當時有一個印度人，其名不可考了，只知他
雕刻功夫極好，連那ｘｘ也雕得如真的一樣，因為他是從印
度來的，雕隙的技術又如此了得，所以人人也叫他雕隙星，
而雕隙星也成為當時人的口頭禪，直到現在了！
臭化系
臭化系係福建大學一科冷門學科，全名臭氧化學研究系，該
系的人每天也是舉頭望天直至天黑的，所以幾乎沒人修讀的
。某一天，一個研究生的兒子闖了進福建大學找媽媽，很不
幸地，那孩子撞到了該校的校長，那校長問明那小孩的身份
後，便很憤怒地說：「我要調你老母過臭化系，問你怕未？」
從此以後，當人感到極度憤怒後，便會說調你老母過臭化系
以作發洩！
Previous, Next