(The scene opens and we find ourselves right inside the site...University Hall, Charlottesville, Virginia. Not only is this the site of the next installment of the EWA's Thursday Night Thunder...but it could very well be the site where history is made. Could being the key word there. The camera pans around the dark arena, almost all set up for Thursday night. The ring seems to be all ready for action, and all the floor seats have been put into place. The lighting and pyros seem to need some more work, but that's irrelevant to us right now. There's only one thing that matters here...only one person that matters here...not any rings...not the lighting or the pyros...and certainly not any records. And that man is seen sitting in one of the seats a few rows back from the ring...that man is none other than the man...the myth...the legend himself...Jack Daniels. Daniels is gazing upon the ring when he suddenly snaps out of it and looks into the camera and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Hisotry in the makin'. That's all that Jack Daniels has been hearin' the past week. *Daniels changes tone to mock an announcer* "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, mark the night down on your calendar...Thursady night, October 25, 2001...marks the night that TGO will go on and pass the all mighty Jeff Bunda's record of his 125 day Intercontinental Title reign. It's history in the making folks, so don't miss it...live Thursday night." *Ends mocking voice* So don't miss it. Ya see, that's exactly the whole point here. What everyone seems to be missin' is Jack Daniels. I hate to rain on everyone's parade here and burst your bubble in the process on mighty Golden One, but what everyone seems to be overlookin' is the fact that ya have to get by Jack Daniels first 'fore your pathetic name can be etched in the EWA record books. But ya know, it's only fittin' that the man who started it all...the man who is responsible for your little 15 minutes of fame...is the same man who ends your oh so precious streak and takes ya outta the spotlight at 15 minutes and one second.
Confused are ya TGO? Well ya can stop scratchin' your head cuz Jack Daniels will break it down for ya so your simple minded ass can understand. Ya see, when good ol' Gates opened up the EWA for business once 'gain some four or five months ago, Jack Daniels was your reigning Intercontinental Champion. But ya see, Daniels forfeited the title in order to get his shot at the Heavyweight gold. Now ya see, when this drunken bastard forfeited that title, it allowed ya to pick it up in an Intercontinental Title Tourney. Well congradu-fuckin'-lations Golden Jackass, but don't ya see...it was cuz of Jack Daniels that ya won that IC Title. It was Jack Daniels that allowed ya to win it, and run along with it makin' ya one of the greatest IC Champs of all time. But did ya ever stop and think TGO...did ya ever stop and think just what if Jack Daniels didn't forfeit the IC Title, where ya would fit into all of this? Fact of the matter is, ya wouldn't fit anywhere into this picture, or the EWA's picture all together. Yeah, thanks for Jack Daniels...right? Yeah well, Jack Daniels never got his thanks...not once, a small little thank you from that golden bastard. So now...now TGO, not only is Jack Daniels gonna beat a thank you outta ya, but Jack Daniels is gonna take back what's rightfully his...the EWA Intercontinental Title.
(Daniels gets up from the chair and makes his way towards the ring that's set up for Thursday night. Daniels gets up on the ring apron and continues speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Now granted TGO, ya have had your share of competitin for that title right here in this very ring. I mean ya have taken out guys like Cold Hardin' Cash...Evan Douglas...The Kaze or Andre Griffin or Arnold Drummond or whichever fuckin' name he goes by...Jack Daniels could go on for a day and a half listin' all the names. But there's one bastard ya have yet to defend that title 'gainst. There's one unstoppable bastard that's ready and willin' to take the title from ya on any given opportunity. The fact of the matter is ya have yet to face your most difficult challenge to date...Jack Daniels. Do ya really think this is gonna be a cake walk for ya TGO? Do ya think ya can actually get by Jack Daniels in this day and age? I must be butter cuz I'm on a roll motherfucker. Ever since returnin', there has been no one who could sto me...not even the so called EWA Heavyweight Champion himself. But ya don't need Jack Daniels to be tellin' ya this. Cuz I know that ya have been sittin' in the back, watchin' Jack Daniels on the boob tube, wishin'...hopin'...prayin' that the day never comes when ya have to go One on One with the Drunk One. Well the day has come bitch. And after ya clean that mess in your pants, Jack Daniels is gonna take away all the gold from ya. From your Golden moniker...to your Golden finisher...and most importantly, the sixteen pounds of gold 'round your waist.
Now let's make something real clear here Golden Jackass. Don't think for one single solitary second that Jack Dnaiels is gonna get caught up in all this politics bullshit and do the right thing here. Don't think Jack Daniels is gonna step into this very squared circle and just put his shoulders down for ya outta repsect for ya record and all that other bullshit. Heh, don't think a certain someone whose Gates name we won't mention, already asked me to do the "right thing". Well to that I say fuck ya and your mamma cuz there ain't no way...and Jack Daniels means NO FUCKIN' WAY that he's gonna put everythin' aside...his pride...the IC Title, just so he can make ya happy and ya can have your little day of fame. Jack Daniels goes out and takes out the EWA World Heavyweight Champion in a non title match...and this is the thanks I get? This is what I'm rewarded with...a shot at the Intercontinental Title..no no. A scripted match for the Intercontinental Title in where they want me to put my shoulders down so we can all witness a record go down and be a part of some meaningless history in the makin'? I don 't fuckin' think so. Golden Boy, Gates couldn't have picked ya a worse opponent than Jack Daniels for your so called history in the makin' match. Cuz instead of gettin' caught up in all the hype...in all the bullshit...I'm the one who likes to ruin it...I'm the one who likes to rain on the parade...I'm the bad guy...*Daniels draws almost a devilish grin on his face*
(Daniels steps down from the ring apron when suddenly Clarissa pops up into the picutre, looking beautiful as always...)
Clarissa: Hey baby, where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.
Jack Daniels: Well ya found me, what do ya want?
Clarissa: Weeeeeelll, I thought you could use a nice cardio workout...if ya know what I mean *getting close to Daniels with a grin on her face*
Jack Daniels: Can't ya see I'm in the middle of a promo here?
Clarissa: Oh geez I'm sorry. That's right I forgot...the big history in the making mat...
Jack Daniels: Would ya just....juuusss....juuusst get outta my sight. History in the makin'...history in the fuckin' makin'. Yeah ya got that right, cuz once I whoop the sorry sunuva bitch from pillar to fuckin' post, it's gonna go down in history as the worst ever ass whoopen handed out by the one and only Jack Daniels.
Clarissa: Testy are we? Oh by the way, the uhhh...the vendor out in the arena lobby, he's got your new T-shirt. You should really check it out. Oh and here...I thought ya could use this. *Calrissa pulls out a bottle of Old No.7 and hands it to Daniels*
Jack Daniels: Finally, something good comes out of your mouth for a change. *Daniels opens up the bottle and takes a swig. He begins walking and makes his way towards the lobby of the arena where the merchandise vendors are located* But I can't say the same 'bout the golden nugget here. Jack Daniels can see it now...the Golden Jackass prompt up in front of the cameraman and spewin' out the same bullshit that only TGO can. Go 'head, remind Jack Daniels just how many days ya have been IC Champ. Ya know, all that drinkin' bogs my memory. Go 'head, remind Jack Daniels just who've ya beaten durin' your IC TItle reign. Ya know, drinkin' bogs the memory. Go 'head, remind Jack Daniels just what a giant, piece of horse shit ya...excuse me...what a giant, piece of golden horse shit ya are. Ya know...drinkin' bogs the memory. And hopefully your memory will be bogged after our match Golden Boy, cuz you're gonna wanna forget the night Jack Daniels took the IC Title BACK. You're gonna wanna forget the night Jack Daniels took away your chance at makin' history and etchin' your name in EWA stone. And most importantly, you're gonna wanna forget the night Jack Daniels handed ya an ass whoopen of monumental proportions. But the hangover ya have the next mornin' will only serve as a reminder of everythin' that Jack Daniels just said. So maybe instead, ya should just live the moment TGO...live the moment history is made when Jack Daniels breaks your oh so precious streak, becomes a 2-time EWA Intercontinental Champ and paves his way on to the big one.
(Daniels enters the lobby of the arena and sees a few janitors sweeping the floors, bathroom attendants pushing their carts of cleaning supplies. Daniels looks left and then right and then spots the merchandise vendor Clarissa was talking about. Daniels walks up to the vendor and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: So where are these new Jack Daniels T-shirts I'm hearin' 'bout?
Vendor: Huh? What are you talking about?
Jack Daniels: The new Jack Daniels T-shirts? Let's get a look at 'em.
Vendor: Umm...I don't have any new Jack Daniels T-shirts.
Jack Daniels: Then why in the hell did Clarissa send me here?
Vendor: I don't know. But what I do know is that I only sell one person's merchandise.
Jack Daniels: Who's that?
(Daniels looks up and there it all is...TGO crap. T-Shirts, big gold foam fingers, plaques already dedicating TGO's record title reign, when in fact he hasn't even achieved it yet...it's just one big TGO shrine, headed up by his biggest mark...his only mark in fact. Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and speaks...)
Jack Daniels: Now let me ask ya something...how in the hell can ya go 'round sellin' bullshit like those plaques and those newspaper type tributes saying TGO has the all time record for the EWA IC Title reign? *Not even giving the vendor a chance to say a single syllable* Ya know what, don't even answer that question, cuz seein' as you're the only TGO mark to grace this fucked up world...you're gonna spew out the same typical bullshit that TGO would. So do what ya do best and fetch me that paper hangin' up right over there. Yeah, that one jackass. *The vendor gives Daniels the paper* Now, I suggest ya get the hell outta here 'fore I give ya a little preview of what I'm gonna do to TGO. *The vendor splits like there's no tomorrow. Daniels takes the paper and begins twisting it up* Ya see TGO, ya have been livin' in a dreamworld the past 120 days. But now...now it's time for ya to wake up and take a reality check. Jack Daniels is comin' back for the...no no...for HIS IC Title that he practically handed over to ya some four months ago. And seein' as how ya would rather do this the hard way than the easy way...well let's just say that ya have to pay some severe consequences that no amount of Fool's Gold will handle.
(Daniels finishes twisting up the paper. He takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7. He takes the twisted up paper and sticks it in the near full bottle of Old No.7. Daniels reaches into his pocket...a ZIPPO! Daniels pulls out a zippo as a devilish grin comes across his face. Daniels lights up the twisted up paper that's sticking up about an inch or two from the bottle of Old No.7. What the hell is he gonna do? Daniels waits a few seconds until the paper begins burning well and the flame is about to hit the liquor. Suddenly Daniels steps back and...SWOOOOOSH! Daniels just lit up the entire TGO merchandise stand. The T-shirts, newspaper and magazine tributes, foam fingers...everything is going up in flames as the fire alarms begins going off and the fire sprinkler system begins pouring down...)
Jack Daniels: See ya Thursday night TGO. See ya in hell MOTHERFUCKER! MUAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(And witht hat, the scene fades to pouring showers indoors, falmes inthe background, and even more importantly, the sound of the fire alarms over shadowed by the sound of Daniel's demonic laugh....Scene fades to black...)