Players - past and present
| Player |
Position |
Distinguishing marks and traits |
| Anthony 'Flipper' Downs |
Goalkeeper |
Bares more than a passing resemblance to a '70s porn star (in actions as well as appearance). Can often be seen throwing cap on the floor in disgust as 32nd goal runs under his foot. Reasonable adept a winding up opposing forwards, although they usually have last laugh. Spectacularly old, 'Flipper' is sometimes confused by some of the more recent rule changes and is often unsure of what constitutes a backpass. |
| Small Paul D'Urso aka 'Dirty' |
Right Back |
practically microscopic, 'Dirty' possesses a turn of speed that enables him to surprise the fastest of opposing forwards, leaving them with a bemused expression and no ball. On the down side, however, it has to be said that he frequently misses whole seasons because he's 'going skiing in April' or had half a shandy during pre season training. Enjoys shouting on the side line and annoying me. |
| Tony 'Fitzy' Fizpatrick |
Striker |
Rarely sober and baring an uncanny similarity to Jesus, Tony is renowned for his cast-iron shins,flowing locks and his 'Fitzy Flicks'. These entail striking the ball with an unexpected part of his anatomy and thus fooling the advancing defender leaving Tony free to smash the ball into row Z. Fitness may well have become a problem with the advancing years although his beer belly does enable him to do a fantastic impression of a hairy arse. Accidentally scores the odd spectacular goal |
| Neil 'Crappy' Crabb |
Left sided midfield\defender |
Crappy Crabby is the first of the Rivers ginger boys, a player of silky skills, solid tackling and suspiciously clean shirts. The shirts may be clean because Crabby stays on his feet. They may also be clean because he puts in less than 100% effort. Who can tell? Has a penchant for running up his own arsehole. Bound to score at least one spectacular goal a season and equally likey to be sent off once a season |
| Dave Tucker |
Centre Midfield/defender |
Big strong Davey Tucker, another of the ginger gang, can be relied on to put in some hard tackles in the centre on the park. A ball winner rather than passer, Dave can put in massive tackles only to give the ball away rather than pass. A man of few words, who never the less possess a very eloquent shrug |
| Matty Naylor |
Central Defender |
Yet another ginger, 'Big' Matty Naylor is a solid reliable defender short on pace, but long on positional sense. Matt has a brother who plays professional football and is captain of Orient, no less. This means Matt always stays in touch with the current footballing slang, and always knows a good football story. Although difficult to get out on the piss, it's almost impossible to stop him once he starts. A very real worry on drinking trips |
| Dermot Butler |
Right Back |
Owner of the worst disciplinary record of any Rivers player, Dermot managed to get himself booked twice in the same day against the same team and avoided being sent off. A master of the low blow and attack from behind, Dermot often waits until his victim is on the ground before putting the boot in. A pacey defender with an extremely solid tackle, he does not like playing with that "Full-up" feeling and may need to friegn injury in order to go home and have a Dump. |
| Russel Kielty |
Central Defender |
As Russell's marriage looms larger on the horizon, so his appitite for the game seems to grow. A skillful midfielder, Russ has been accused of lacking bottle over
last season. He has, however, regained his form at the start of this season.Popularized as having something of an anal fetish, Russ remains a Rivers favorite |
| Simon 'The Cat' Carrington |
Goal Keeper |
Never one to shy away from controversy, Simon was more than able to step into the (smoking) boots vacated by Dermot at the beginning of the season. Yet another ginger, Simon can always be relied upon to run in to an attacker when gathering the ball, and has been known to be sent sprawling by the most innocuous of challenges. Often heard screaming at the midfield to get back, Simon often allows himself a quick joke with the defence after a near miss |
| Steve Westlake |
Forward |
Every team should have at least one strong regional accent. At rivers we are doubly blessed (?) with the Wipelake brothers. Hailing from the far flung reaches of County Durham, Steve is Rivers top striker, bagging a magnificent seven over the course of last season alone. Always passionate, Steve can usually be relied upon to to wind up the most volatile opposition player, which is fun if we win, not so good if we get stuffed. |
| Barry West lake |
Anywhere |
Steve's little brother, Barry, towers over Steve both in height and temperament. Always likey to be the peacemaker in any fracas, Barry can always be relied upon to keep a cool head when all about are loosing their's (or is that the other way around). Rivers best all round player, Barry is often seen around local bars, where he sometimes likes to get his head down for 40 winks |
| Peter 'Nipper Byrne |
Midfield |
Cheeky chappie, midfield dynamo Peter 'Nipper' Byrne, rivers original spice boy |
| Peter McGovern |
Sideline |
Mekon like Pete, the man with the Tefal head, never believes that it's time to call it a day. Physically a wreck, Pete soldiers on on knees that are beyond surgical help. Unfettered by lack of skill, Pete has been reborn this season as a striker. This, despite zero success in front of goal, has filled him with confidence to such a degree that he has returned to his original position of centre back,where he has put his spam to good use, and played out of his skin. |
| Ronan 'Rosie' McArdle |
Midfield |
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| Chris 'Crispy' Tucker |
Right Back |
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| A Ringer |
Anywere |
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