You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... Uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
Every night your beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass
That damned pink elephant followed me home again
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you
I'm as jober as a sudge
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Upon arrival, the devil asked the boiler-stoker what he thought of the temp. in hell.
The man replied, "It's nice in here, not too hot."
This frustrated the devil and so he cranked-up the heat.
The next day, the devil once again visits the boiler-stoker and asked him again what he thought of it in hell.
The man replied, "It's wonderful in here!"
The devil responded, "You mean your not hot? It's really baking in here!"
The man replied, "It reminds me of summers when I used to stoke the boilers."
Once again, this frustrated the devil and so he decided he would fix the boiler-stoker.
The devil turned off the heat and turned on the AC. The next day, ice was everywhere.
The devil visited the boiler-stoker, but the man had a big smile on his face.
Puzzled, the devil asked, "Why are you so happy? There's ice everywhere and it's freezing in here!"
The man replied, "I'm from Minnesota. If hell has frozen over, that must mean the Vikings won the Super Bowl."
In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Viking fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Packer fan scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Viking fan walks over to the Packer fan and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."
The Packer fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck."
So the Packer fan pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Viking fan, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Viking fan says. "Yor're damn right!" as he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniels.
After putting away nearly half the bottle the Viking fan hands it back to the Packers fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Packer fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The Cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that for you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle saftey violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."
