Dear Friends,
I feel that I
owe you an explanation, I feel that I ought to share
with the world too just what has happened to me because I want the world to know that just how great God is. This is not
me, though I have been a cradle catholic, though my dad had a personal
experience with God, I live my life like any other normal person on earth, busy
with the normality of life.
2003 has been
a really bad year for my family. My dad went for his heart ballooning
(angioplasty) and stenting in around June 2003.
Around mid October 2003, I came home one night when my dad told me that my ma
was all pale and suffering in pain. We rushed down to the 24 hr clinic and the
Doc decided that further investigation was needed. She was found to have gall
bladder stones in her gall bladder and her gall bladder was removed on
My turn came
around Christmas this year. I am thankful to God for being able to even type
out all these. Though I still feel that the panic attacks will come round
anytime, at least it is not as severe as boxing day itself (A panic attack is a sudden feeling of extreme anxiety. It can begin with a stressful event or without cause and can last several minutes. During a panic attack a person may have a feeling of intense fear or terror, difficulty breathing, chest pain or tightness, heartbeat changes, dizziness, sweating, and shaking.) (symptoms of panic attack: )
Thursday: On
Christmas day, my family, LC and my bf were suppose to
attend mass at
Friday: The
morning when I woke up, I was all tired, and the panic attacks keep coming, I
felt that I was going to die or go mad. It has never been so bad. I wouldn’t
expect me to experience such things since I am a happy go lucky person. When I
took a little nap, I suddenly felt numbness all over my limbs and then I
couldn’t breathe, I quickly stood up of bed. Thereafter, I had panic attacks
every minute. I feel so tired physically, with all that adrenaline streaming in
my blood stream. I went to see another GP who said that my symptoms are that of
anxiety attacks and I need to see a psychiatrist.
Saturday: My ma
insists that we visit the Sinseh who once help stop my fainting spells around
October this year. He’s good as in you know he’s good when you take his
medicine and you get better. That day, he was out on tour and only his disciple
was there. She told my family that it could be good or bad and if it’s bad I
could go insane (imagine having someone tell you that you are going mad.. to loose your senses) I felt then that I was, all tired out from the anxiety
attacks. Thereafter, me and my ma decided to go church
and I went to Queen of Peace at Katong. I prayed to
Mary, then I asked Father Francis to pray over me. He
said sometimes our brain lack certain chemicals in the head and we need to see
a doctor, but still we had to pray. I felt better after being prayed over. My
ma saw that some ladies were about to clean the church and she volunteered to
help and both of us help sweep the church floor. Though I was still unstable
and teary, helping to clean up God’s house felt good.
When me and my
ma went back home, I read the ‘Hospital
Prayer Book’ compiled by Fr MK Pauk ssp from Saint Pauls which I
bought for my dad after I found out that he may need to go for another op for
his slipped disc. I never knew I would need it more then.
Some of the
prayers really helped me:
Thanksgiving: I
thank you, Lord, for the wonder of my being, for giving me another day to love
and serve you. May I often think of you this day!
On going to sleep:
Into your hands, Oh Lord, I commend my spirit, Lord Jesus, receive my soul. In
the name our Lord Jesus Christ crucified, I lay me down to rest. Bless me, O
Lord, defend me; preserve me from a sudden and unprepared death and from all
dangers, and bring me to life everlasting with you.
And especially
this,
Prayer of Thanksgiving:
Oh Lord, I thank you for touching my life during this time of sickness. You
have opened my eyes so that I could see the signs of your presence. You
provided me with the time to reflect upon myself, my past, my values, my
problems and my life. Somehow a lot of things that until yesterday seemed to be
important are insignificant today and I have learned to really appreciate the
simple blessing of everyday. It seems as if I woke up from a hazy dream. For
all of this, Lord, I thank you. Amen.
My Bf who is a
yet to be baptized catholic and a rather stubborn man who believes only in
himself, surprises me with his faith in God. We mediate on God together and he
prayed like I never hear him pray before. I didn’t know he had the vocabulary
for all those prayers! But I am glad I found someone who’s God fearing.
With the help
of God, I fight against the anxiety attacks. (I found out the anxiety attacks is a secondary symptom, the primary cause that will trigger it off is when I have taut nerves)
I am going to
Novena
Prayers:
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, loved in all the
tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now
and forever. Amen.
BLESSED BE THE MOST SACRED HEART OF JESUS.
BLESSED BE THE IMMACULATE HEART OF MARY.
BLESSED BE SAINT JUDE THADDEUS.
ST JUDE, PRAY FOR US AND HEAR OUR PRAYERS.
(Say this prayer followed by Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory
be).
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom
come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily
bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against
us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. AMEN.
Hail Mary, full of grace! The Lord is with thee; blessed art thou
among woman; and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of
God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. AMEN.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,
world without end. AMEN.
Novena Prayer must be said six times each day for nine
consecutive days.
Make 81 copies and leave nine copies in Church for each nine
consecutive days. You will receive your intention before the nine days are
over, no matter how impossible it may seem.
Prayer to St. Jude
To be said when problems arise or when one seems to be deprived
all visible help, or for cases almost despaired of.
Most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful
servant and friend of Jesus. The church honours and invokes you
universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of.
Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use, I implore you, of that
particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help
is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may
receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations,
and sufferings, particularly – (Here make your request) and that I may praise
God with you and all the elect forever. I promise, O
blessed ST Jude to be ever mindful to this great favour,
to always honour you as my special and powerful
patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you Amen.
I do greatly
encourage you to pray the St Jude prayer, because he is indeed the patron of
hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of!
Sunday: I went
for a walk with my ma and dad, walking in the park helps. Appreciating
God’s creation, nature, the grass, the bird singing. I was very aware of
every sound, in fact, they all seemed too loud. In the afternoon, me and my bf went to the Chapel at our Lady star of the sea
to pray. On our way, we dropped by the Library and I borrowed this book Joy and Enthusiasm edited by Norman Vincent
Peale. It is a really encouraging book. It says that 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love,
and of a sound mind. With a life so constituted, you can walk under the sun and
the stars unafraid. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13. On pg 103 of the book, the poem says it all.
Talk happiness. The world is sad enough
Without your woes. No path is wholly rough;
Look for the places that are smooth and clear,
And speak of those, to rest the weary ear.
Of earth so hurt by one continuous strain
Of human discontent and grief and pain.
Talk faith. The world is better off without
Your uttered ignorance and morbid
doubt.
If you have faith in God, or man, or self,
Say so. If not, push back upon the shelf
Of silence all your thoughts, till faith shall come;
No one will grieve because your lips are dumb.
Talk health. The dreary, never – changing tale
Of mortal maladies is worn and stale.
You cannot charm, or interest, or please
By harping on that minor chord, disease
Say you are well, or all is well with you,
And God shall hear your words and make them true.
We prayed the
rosary and just sit there, wept and left. After which we took a walk up the
hill opposite the church, I have stayed in Yishun all
my life but I never really went to this hill. The hill was gradual, but it’s
littered with big red ants. On the sides of the path was rocks and as we reach
the peak, to our amazement, there was actually a mini park and from there I can
see many places. Soon, it was time for mass, and during mass I had to fight the
panic attack, I thought I couldn’t last the hour but I am glad I did.
The other nice
book I borrowed was Daily Strength for
Daily needs by Mary W. Tileston, some of those
which I like are:
Go
on in all simplicity; do not be anxious to win a quiet mind,
and it will be all the quieter. Do not examine so closely the progress of your
soul. Do not crave so much to be perfect, but let your spiritual life be formed
by your duties, and by the actions which are called forth by circumstances. Do
not take overmuch thought for tomorrow. God, who has led your safely on so far,
will lead you to the end. Be altogether at rest in the loving confidence which
you ought to have in His heavenly
Saint
Francis de Sales
Take
courage, and turn your troubles, which are without remedy, into material for
spiritual progress. Often turn to our Lord, who is watching you, poor frail
little being as you are, amid your labors and distractions. He sends you help,
and blesses your affliction. This thought should enable you to bear your
troubles patiently and gently, for love of Him who only allows you to be tried
for your own good. Raise your hear continually to God,
seek his aid, and let the foundation stone of your consolation be your
happiness in being His. All vexations and annoyances will be comparatively
unimportant while you know that you have such a Friend, such a Stay, such a
Refuge. May God be ever in your heart.
Saint
Francis de Sales.
Monday: I took
my big step out, I went to work. In the morning, bf bought breakfast and
together we pray and mediate. On my way to work, I saw the beauty of it all,
the morning sun, the breeze, the shrubs along the way and the usual two white
storks actually flew in my direction. I prayed during lunch and then after
work, I went to Novena church again. It’s amazing, the nine pieces of ST Jude
prayer I photocopied is always taken.
Tuesday: I
went to work, later the Sinseh called my dad and said
that he is back from his trip. He had to loosen my nerves and I felt numb all
over. He told me my nerves (central nervous system) are all taut and I am at
risk of having a stroke(It wasn't a case of going crazy, rather a stroke risk and I had to change my diet - only soup base food and only chicken and fish, no cakes, etc). He instructed his disciple to make the medicine and
gave it to me the next day. They cost $478. My ma wanted to pay for but I
offered to do so. I told myself God wants me to be healed and I need to trust
in the sinseh because he may be after all an
instrument of God. I have a scientific background but I also know that western
medicine can only solve the problem when the symptoms are rather severe.
Furthermore, it’s expensive and I don’t think I have the money to conduct all
the expensive tests. And most importantly, sometimes the best doctors in the
world cannot be compared to the healing power of God.
Wednesday:
Chinese medicine was ready for collection at
Thursday:
Tried my best to resume a normal life, I went down to Novena first to place the
next nine copies. Alas, there were some missing letters and me and bf bought
some pens from cold storage at novena square and sat down at BK to fill it up.
There were many people in church today. Many offering flowers too, I believe
their prayers were all answered. I like Novena because it’s an open church, most churches nowadays are locked up. I went to
school to collect my notes from the mail box, school’s starting next week. I
hope I can cope. We went Jurong to eat but on our way
back home, I suddenly felt numbness on my left side which sent me panicking, hyperventilating.
I am not so sure anymore whether it was a stroke or whether it was just my imagination.
My bf sang hymns and songs to me, I felt better. When I reached home, it came
on for a while but I prayed. Ma is still sleeping with me, but I couldn’t
sleep. I took some of the Chinese medicine given by the sinseh
disciple last time to help me sleep, most importantly, I prayed this prayer. Into
your hands, Oh Lord, I commend my spirit, Lord Jesus, receive my soul. In the
name our Lord Jesus Christ crucified, I lay me down to rest. Bless me, O Lord,
defend me; preserve me from a sudden and unprepared death and from all dangers,
and bring me to life everlasting with you.
Friday: Woke
up in the morning, it’s the last day of my granduncle’s wake (he’s 50 plus I
think) and ma had to wake up early. Me and my dad went
for our walk in the park and I asked him why he chose my ma and he told me
stories about his youth. Apparently, there were a lot of girls interested in
him. And I found out why he went to
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sowed love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled
as to console
TO be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
With Faith, I
know I will get better and I have learnt that life is so fragile, you can be
normal and healthy one moment, and you’ll never know if something bad will
happen but if it did, it happens for a reason. To see life in a different light
and you’ll appreciate the fact that you can even walk and talk!
18 – 19th
January: Went to a church retreat, Sister Theresa from
Chinese New
Year Eve: It has been three weeks since and I haven’t felt faint or had any anxiety
attacks. I went to Orchard to do some last minute shopping with my bf, we had
breakfast. As we walk for round an hour or so, I suddenly felt giddy. I told my
bf and we sat at the taxi stand, I tried breathing in deeply and felt slightly
better but it was still bad. We decided to take a cab home. I quickly took some
medicine and went to bed. My nerves were all taut and at night when I couldn’t
sleep I told myself that Christ is here watching after me and I had to surrender
myself to God. To surrender yourself to God means
offering all your hopes, sufferings, anxieties, worries to Him.
Chinese New
Year: I still feel weak but my aunt and uncle came over in the morning and I
had to go visiting. I didn’t last before I felt faint again and I went all pale
and my ma went home with me.
Sunday: I told
myself if I could only eat of the bread, I will be healed. Sister Theresa did
say that every mass is a healing mass. In the beginning of the mass, I feel my
heart beating so rapidly that my body moved with the rhythm. I couldn’t really
concentrate on what Father was saying but when it came to the Eucharistic
celebration, I remind myself of the story where the woman who had blood
problems and she has the faith that if only she could touch the Jesus’ clothes,
she would be healed and she was. I was looking at the picture of Mary too and I
asked Mary to pray for me. When I went to receive the bread, it was larger than
usual and there was a cross in the middle. With
all the faith I could master, I replied “AMEN” to the sound of “Body of Christ”
(Lord I am not worthy to receive you but I only say the word and I shall be
healed). It wasn’t like an instant healing, I felt healed and I affirm that
I am healed by faith before I am healed by sight.
Monday: My
mum, dad and I went to see the Sinseh and he said I am already getting better,
he said I am recovering. I knew and felt at the moment that I am healed, that
by the grace of God, I am healed.
I need to tell
the world that you need to have faith. I struggled over whether I had ample
faith, whether my faith was too weak or non existent, but you need to know that
you need to have faith. Even with whatever faith you had, even the size of a
mustard seed, it is enough.
Book
of James (
Is
any among you afflicted? Let him pray. Is any merry? Let him sing psalms.
Is
any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them
pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
And
the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and
if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven.
Confess
your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.
The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth
much.
Almightly God, Father, Son and Spirit,
who art power, wisdom, and love, inspire in us those
same three things:
Power to serve
thee,
Wisdom to please
thee,
And love to
accomplish thy will;
Power that I may
do,
Wisdom that I may
know what to do,
And love that I
may be moved to do all
That is pleasing
to thee
And again from
the book by Norman Vincent Peale:
The sin of omission
IT isn’t the thing you do;
It’s the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
The tender word forgotten,
The letter you did not write,
The flower you might have sent,
And your haunting ghosts at night.
The stone you might have lifted
Out of a brother’s way
The bit of heartsome counsel
You were hurried too much to say
The loving touch of the hand,
The gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for
With troubles enough of your own.
The little acts of kindness
So easily out of mind;
Those chances to be helpful
Which everyone may find –
No, it’s not the thing you do,
It’s the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun
The sin of omission IT isn’t the thing you do; It’s the thing you leave undone, Which gives you a bit of heartache At the setting of the sun.
The tender word forgotten, The letter you did not write, The flower you might have sent, And your haunting ghosts at night.
The stone you might have lifted Out of a brother’s way The bit of heartsome counsel You were hurried too much to say
The loving touch of the hand, The gentle and winsome tone, That you had no time or thought for With troubles enough of your own.
The little acts of kindness So easily out of mind; Those chances to be helpful Which everyone may find –
No, it’s not the thing you do, It’s the thing you leave undone, Which gives you the bit of heartache At the setting of the sun
Matthew 25
The Sheep and the Goats 31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
Leviticus 19
Various Laws
1 The LORD said to Moses, 2 "Speak to the entire assembly of Israel and say to them: 'Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy. 11 " 'Do not steal. " 'Do not lie. " 'Do not deceive one another. 12 " 'Do not swear falsely by my name and so profane the name of your God. I am the LORD . 13 " 'Do not defraud your neighbor or rob him. " 'Do not hold back the wages of a hired man overnight. 14 " 'Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the LORD . 15 " 'Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly. 16 " 'Do not go about spreading slander among your people. " 'Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor's life. I am the LORD . 17 " 'Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. 18 " 'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD . James 3
Two Kinds of Wisdom 13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
Isaiah 58 9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, 10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. 11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. 12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. 13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, 14 then you will find your joy in the LORD , and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken.