Jokes for you

Jokes from somewhere
updated: October 1, 2000

Ular

Apa yang patut anda buat kalau jumpa ular?

Jangan gerak sehiggalah ular tersebut merasa "boring" yang amat sangat.
Lari balik rumah dan ambik parang untuk menebang buluh, dan gunakan buluh tersebut untuk memukul ular itu.
Sekiranya ular sawa, biarkan ia menelan anda. Kemudian barulah anda membuat serangan dari dalam perut dengan mengoyak perutnya hingga mati.
Tangkap ekor ular itu and baling sekuatnya ke tingkap ketua kampung anda sehingga ular itu cedara parah dan mati di tempat kejadian.
Dalam 0.005 saat, tukar pakaian anda kepada "Baju Kalis api Gaban" untuk berlawan dengan ular itu.
Cucuk mata ular itu sehingga buta "so" is tak dapat patuk anda dengan tepat.
Lari laju-laju ke warung mamak yang berhampiran and minum teh tarik tiga.

Terbukti berkesan oleh Soon semasa di Ulu Bendul.
Kanak-kanak dinasihatkan supaya jangan mencuba di rumah.

Golfing

An older couple was playing in their country club's annual golf championship. On the playoff hole the wife had to make a six-inch putt to win. She took her stance, putted and missed.
On the way home in the car her husband was fuming. "I can't believe you missed that putt! It was no longer than my willy."
"Yes, dear," she said sweetly, "but it was much harder!"

Newlywed

Talking to God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God, so they picked one scientist to go tell him.
"God," the appointee said, we ye decided we no longer need you. We can cure diseases, clone people and create life, so why don't you just go on your way.
God listened patiently to the man, then said, "Very well. But first let's have a man-making contest, doing it just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
"Sure, no problem," the scientist said, bending down to scoop up a handful of dirt.
"No, no, no," God admonished. "Get your own dirt."

Lawyer

I've been ravished by a lawyer," the woman told the desk sergeant.
"What's his name?" the cop asked.
"I don't know," she replied.
"Where does he work?"
"I don't know."
"Have you ever encountered this man before today?"
"No, I haven't."
"Ma'am," the baffled cop said, "then how do you know he*s a lawyer?"
"Because he wore an expensive three-piece suit, drove a German sedan, had a leather briefcase and," she emphasized, "I had to do 50 percent of the work!"

Viagra

Would you like some breakfast?" the woman asked. "Bacon and eggs, toast, coffee?"
"No thanks. It's this Viagra," her husband explained. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like a bowl of homemade soup and a cheese sandwich.
"No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he said. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinnertime she again asked if he wanted anything to eat. "I'll go out to get you a burger. Or would you prefer a microwaved pizza?"
"No, nothing, thanks. It's this Viagra, you know.
"Well, damn it, would you mind getting off ne already?" she exploded. "I'm starving!"

How to have an affair

Sarah was crazy about her handsome new dentist and soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in his office.
But one day he told her, "Sarah, honey, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband is bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, it's been six months and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but now you're down to one tooth!"

Act of God

A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife*s pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.
After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious. Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"
"Snow and rain are acts of God, too," a man at the back of the room said, "but most of us wear rubbers."

Need a push

A man and his wife were awakened by the sound of someone knocking on their front door. The guy got up and opened the window. "Who's out there?" he yelled.
A voice from below called out, "I need a push."
"It's three o'clock in the morning!" the man hollered. "Get lost before I call the cops."
His wife rolled over and said, "Honey, remember when our children got stuck in their car late one night and that couple helped them get it started? Wouldn't you want to do the same for someone else, regardless of the time?"
The guy hesitated for a moment, then headed downstairs to lend the man a hand. He opened the front door and yelled out, "Hey, do you still need a push? Where are you?"
"Yes!" replied a voice from the darkness. "I'm over here, on the swing."

Bumper sticker

Economist vs. Engineers

Economists accepts what's happening around them and tries to form theories to fit the situation.
Engineers looks at the situation around them and tries to find solutions to what's wrong. Economists makes a mess of the world.
Engineers tries to improve situations but their bosses, the economists thinks that they (engineers) do not understand the world. Hence the world is still in mess after 8000 years

The Engineers

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"