"Good to be a Man"
**************************************************
Damn, It's Good to Be a Man! 
Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can be president. 
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 
The world is your urinal. 
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's 
just too "yucky". 
Same work... more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. 
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice 
anything different?" 
One mood, ALL the damn time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
You know stuff about tanks. 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars. 
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. 
You can leave the motel bed unmade. 
You can kill your own food. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still 
be your friend. 
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 
Everything on your face stays its original color. 
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. 
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without 
thinking:"He must be mad at me." 
You don't mooch off other's desserts. 
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little 
gift. 
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a 
bolt. 
You almost never have strap problems in public. 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
You don't have to shave below your neck. 
Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 
45 minutes. 
Damn, it's Good to be a Man. 

*****************************
> "Got any ID?" 
> > An Alabama State Trooper pulls over a pickup > truck on I-20. 
> > He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" 
> > The driver says, "'bout whut?" > >> 

****************************
>>>  Subject:    Translations for women 
>>>
>>>  "I'M GOING FISHING"
>>> Translated:*  I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by
>a 
>>> stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
>>> safety."
>>>
>>>  "IT'S A GUY THING"
>>> Translated:*  "There is no rational thought pattern connected with
it,
>and 
>>> you have no chance at all of making it logical."
>>>
>>>  "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
>>> Translated:*  "Why isn't it already on the table?" 
>>>
>>>  "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
>>>  Translated:*  Absolutely nothing.  It's a conditioned response. 
>>>
>>>  "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
>>> Translated:*  "I have no idea how it works." 
>>>
>>>  "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.  IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY
MIND." 
>>> Translated:*  "I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a 
>>> bra."
>>>
>>>
>>>  "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
>>>  Translated:*  "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 
>>>
>>>  "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
>>>  Translated:*  "Are you still talking?" 
>>>
>>>  "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
>>>  Translated:*  "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of
>the 
>>> first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of
every
>
>>> car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
>>>
>>>  "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
>>> Translated:*  "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe." 
>>>
>>>  "OH, DON'T FUSS.  I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
>>>  Translated:*  "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to
death 
>>> before I admit that I'm hurt."
>>>
>>>  "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
>>> Translated:*  "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." 
>>>
>>>  "I CAN'T FIND IT."
>>> Translated:*  "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm 
>>> completely
>>> clueless."
>>>
>>>  "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
>>>  Translated:* "What did you catch me at?" 
>>>
>>>  "I HEARD YOU."
>>> Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said; and
I'm 
>>> hoping
>>> desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the 
>>> next
>>> 3 days yelling at me."
>>>
>>> "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
>>> Translated:*  "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it
could 
>>> be
>>> worse."
>>>
>>>  "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
>>>  Translated:*  "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm 
>>> starving."
>>>
>>>
>>>  "I'M NOT LOST.  I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
>>> Translated:*  "No one will ever see us alive again." 
>>>
>>>  "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
>>> Translated:* "I'll put my feet up so you can vacuum under me." 

***************************
Haircut > > > > > > > > > > This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How > long > > > > before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop > and > says, > > > > "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. > > > > > > > > A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and > asks, > > > > "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks > around at > > > > shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy > leaves. > > > > > > > > A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and > asks, "How > > > > long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the > shop > > > > and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. > > > > > > > > The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, > Bill, > > > > follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, > Bill comes > > > > back into the shop laughing hysterically. > > > > > > > > The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" > > > > > > > > Bill looked up and said, "Your house." 

**************************
> Subject: HEAVEN > Sensitivity: Personal > > After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. > While she was waiting for St Peter to greet her, she peeked through the > gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her > parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before > her. > > They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello" "How are you! > We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." > > When St Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful > place! How do I get in?" > > "You have to spell a word," St Peter told her. > > "Which word?" the woman asked. > > "Love." > > The woman correctly spelled "Love," and St Peter welcomed her into Heaven. > > About six months later St Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch > the Gates of Heaven for him that day. > > While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. > > "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" > > "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died. I married the beautiful, > young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the > lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big > mansion. > And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and > I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. > How do I get in?" > > "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. > "Which word?" her husband asked. > > "Czechoslovakia." 
********************

Subject: Redneck Alert

>The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
>seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by
>designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics, as a language to be taught
in
all
>Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.
The
>following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
>HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
>HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
>Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?
>BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive to borrow Usage: Mah
brother
>bard mah pickup truck.
>JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida.
>Capitol is Lanner.
>Usage: Mah brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck.
>BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh.
>Capitol is Berminhayum.
>Usage: A tornader jes went through Bammer an left $20,000,000 in
>improvements.
>MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
>Usage: Mah brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd
from
>him in munts.
>THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
>Usage: Ah thank ahll have a bare.
>BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
>Usage: Ah thank ahll have a bare.
>IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See Arkansas native.
>Usage: Them bammer boys sure are ignert 
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for
>tightnin bolts.
>Usage: I thank I left mah ranch in the back of that pickup truck mah
brother
>from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.
>ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
>Usage: I sure hope mah brother from Jawjuh puts all in mah pickup
truck.
>FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
>Usage: If mah brother from Jawjuh dont change the all in mah pickup
truck,
>that things gonna catch far.
>TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
>Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh dont git a flat
tar in
>my pickup truck.
>TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
>Usage: Lord willin and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see
that
>Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
>RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
>Usage: Mah grampaw retard at age 65.
>FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat.
>Usage: You younguns keep fatn, n ahm gonna whup yuh.
>RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
>Usage: We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats.
>FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
>Usage: I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.must be from some farn
country.
>DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
>Usage: Hes did, Jim.
>EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
>Usage: He caint breathe..give im some ear.
>ASS - (noun) - frozen water.
>Usage: Mah te's gettin warm. Put a couple of ass cubes init.
>Te - (noun) - a beverage usually derived from leaves steeped in hot
water.
>Usage: Ah shore like assed te.
>BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
>Usage: Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.
>JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
>Usage: Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob
war
>fence cumpny?
>HAZE - a contraction.
>Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah..haze ignert. He aint thanked but a minnit
n is
>laf.
>SEED - (verb) - past tense of to see.
>Usage: Ah seed it with mah own ahes.
>GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
>Usage: Them gubmint boys shore is ignert
>
>
*********************

>A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.  She'd seen many
 books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the
 necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest
 frozen lake.

 After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make
 a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky - a
 voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
 ICE."

 Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured
 a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut another.
 Again, from the heavens, the voice
 bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the
 opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again
 to cut a hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE
 NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

 She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

 The voice replied, "No .. this is the Ice-Rink Manager."

**********************

JUST WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, " You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well thanks to my geneology efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of 
Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherloch, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name, She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world, He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. 

Sincerely, 

Crock O. Schitt

********************

-Job Opportunity: During last presidential election.

"Job Opportunity - Immediate Need: a FAT WOMAN to travel to Florida and
 sing."

********************

> "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
> "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'
> don't answer. " Hannah, 9
> 
> "Never tell your mom her diet's not working. " Michael,
> 14
> 
> "Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9
> "Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, 13
> "Don't squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, 13
> "Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, 10
> "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush
> your hair. " Taylia,11
> 
> "Never allow your three-year old brother in the same
> room as your school assignment. " Traci, 14
> 
> "Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating
> crackers. " Mitchell,12
> 
> "Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-
> Tac. " Andrew, 9
> 
> "Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. "
> Kyoyo, 9
> 
> "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. "
> Armir, 9
> 
> "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. "
> Kellie, 11
> 
> "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. "
> Naomi, 15
> 
> "Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. " Lauren, 9
> "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball
> bat. " Joel,10
> 
> "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your
> mom when she's on the phone. " Alyesha, 13
> 
> "Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8

***************

> A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman > sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage > he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would > you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" > > She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I > won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now > staring at them. > > Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed > and he slinks back to his table. > > After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and > apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I > embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in > psychology and I'm studying how people respond to > embarrassing situations." > > To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you > mean $200?" > 

****************

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 

*****************

One time a mama crawfish was taking her son up a creek to teach him about life and after they swam 
a ways a horse stuck his mouth down to drink some water and the boy crawfish took off and flew up
under the bank and said "what's that mama?" and she told him come  on boy, that's a horse and he
don't eat crawfish. Well a little later something else took a drink and the boy crawfish again ran 
super fast under the bank and said "oh mama what's that?" and she said "that's a cow boy and they
don't eat crawfish". They swam a little farther up the creek and all of a sudden the mama crawfish 
saw something and zipped under the bank as fast as she could and said "run for your life boy" 
the boy crawfish said " what's wrong mama?" and she said "THAT'S A DOGGONE  CAJUN BOY
AND THEY'LL EAT ANYTHING".

***********************

>>>> Math Class
>>>>
>>>> Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried
>>>> everything, tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
>>>> short, everything that they could think of.  Finally in a last
ditch
>>>> effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic
School.
>>>>
>>>> After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious
>>>> look on his face.  He doesn't kiss his mother hello.  Instead, he
goes
>>>> straight to his room & starts studying.  Books and paper are
>>>> spread out all over the room & Little Tommy is hard at work.  His
>>>> mother is amazed.  She calls him down to dinner & to her shock,
the
>>>> minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and
>>>> in no time he is hitting the books as hard as before.  This goes
>>>> on for some time, day after day while his mother tries to
>>>> understand what made all the difference.
>>>>
>>>> Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card.  He quietly
>>>> lays it on the table & goes up to his room and hits the books. 
With
>>>> great trepidation, his mom looks at it & to her surprise, Little
Tommy
>>>> got an "A" in Math.
>>>>
>>>> She can no longer hold her curiosity.  She goes to his room &
>>>> says:  "Son, what was it?  Was it the nuns?"  Little Tommy looks
at her
>>>> and shakes his head.  "Well then," she replies "was it the books,
the
>>>> discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"  Little
>>>> Tommy looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school,
>>>> when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
>>>> fooling around."
>

**********************

> John and David were both patients in a Mental > hospital. One day while they were walking past the > hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the > deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. > David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to > the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The > medical director came to know of David's heroic act. > He immediately ordered that David be discharged from > the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK. > The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news > for > you, David! The good news is that we are going to > discharge you because you have regained your senses. > Since you were able to jump in and save another > patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is > that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung > himself in the bathroom, and died." > David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I > hung > him there to dry." 

********************

> >Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview >between a female reporter and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to >sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach >these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: We're going >to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" >GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the >rifle range by some of our best instructors." >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous >activity to be teaching children?" >GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle >safety and discipline before they even touch a firearm. >" FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers, >aren't you?" >GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, I don't think so. You're equipped to be a >prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" >The interview abruptly ended and the radio went silent. And, all I could >think was, "Go Army!" > > 

********************