This is a collection of jokes that have been sent to me over the last several years.
NO...I DON' T WANT ANY MORE JUST THOUGHT I'D POST THEM SO EVERYONE 
COULD SEE THEM. 
Some of them are pretty good.
****************
This is the new proposed band plan for 80 meters:
Freq:
3750-3790	Discussion of personal medical problems.
3790-3800	Obnoxious DX pileups.
3800-3830	Long haul truckers with bootleg call signs.
3830-3870	Conspiracy theory nets.
3870-3900	White Supremacists hate groups.
3900-3920	Reports of weather conditions and signal strengths only.
3920-3960	Enlightened, civil discourse.
3960-4000	Obscenity - laced discussions among hams with diminished mental capacity 
		and too much time on their hands.

***************
Subject: 100% 
Always give 100% at work.... 
12% Monday 
23% Tuesday 
40% Wednesday 
20% Thursday 
5% Friday 
****************
 ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS

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 GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
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 FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
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 BEEN OUT AWHILE..
 BETTER BE REWARD.

 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

 SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
 ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
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 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
 ALSO, 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

 FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
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 NORDIC TRACK $300
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 IT!"

 HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

 GEORGIA PEACHES
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 LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

 ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

 OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

 FOR SALE BY OWNER
 Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
 Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
 needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
********************
THE MEMORY TEST OF AGE (Submitted by a “Daily Inspiration” subscriber)

Someone once asked, “How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you are? 
Take this quiz and see what your mental age is. Scoring is at the end of the message, but no peeking!

1. Name the Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________
2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!"
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ ______ _____.
4. What do M&M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ _____ _____
8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy. "But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend,
______G.______.
9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!
10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____."
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?"
13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for?, ____ _____."
14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.
15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.
16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ____ ______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."
17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
______ _______.
18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____."
19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think,
you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."
20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the
hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ _____, _____ _____ _____."
21. "I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____."
22. ________ ________ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ _____."
23. "Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."
24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."
25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today. _______! _____ ______ ______ ______."
26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____."
Extra credit: Who drew "Pogo"?
***********************************************************************
Scroll down for answers --- NO PEEKING!

ANSWERS:
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my.
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread.
6. Cassius Clay.
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
8. Maynard G. Krebbs.
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab will do ya..
11. over 30.
12. who wrote the book of love.
13. Absolutely nothin'.
14. the American way.
15. Joe Namath.
16. "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin. (Half a point if you answered Cathy Rigby)
18. is failure to communicate.
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John.
21. On Blueberry Hill.
22. Jimmy Durante: wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire.
25. Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
26. he is us. Extra Credit: Walt Kelley

SCORING: 24-26 correct - You're the best! Go to the head of the class!
20-23 correct - You're in your 40's, mentally at least... 15-19 correct - 30's 10-14 correct - 20's

*************************

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods 
when one of them falls to the ground. 
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. 
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. 
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.
I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." 
There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... 
The hunter says, "OK, now what?" 
**************************

How I know Santa is a real Biker.. 
He doesn't mind ridiing in the cold weather. 
He drops in, eats your food and then leaves.! 
He kisses your ole lady under the mistletoe (and under her sweater) 
He doesn't use a windshield.
 He shows up to work on time just once a year. 
And nobody knows where he gets his money. 
***********************

One of the best ones I've seen...... ----- >A blonde goes to the hairdresser for a haircut. She sits in the guy's chair and >the hairdresser notices that she is wearing headphones with a "Walkman" stereo >clipped to her waist. He goes to take the headphones off so he can cut her hair >and she cries out..."Oh no! Don't take those off!" So he leaves them on and >begins cutting around them. He tries to tell her that he needs to take the >headphones off so he can finish the job and she again is emphatic that she cannot >take the headphones off. Finally, out of utter frustration, the hairdresser >snatches the headphones off the blonde's head and in a matter of seconds she >begins to turn blue and then falls out of the chair onto the floor, dead as a >doornail. The hairdresser is horrified! He picks up the headphones and listens to >them and hears................... > >"Breathe in" >"Breathe out" >"Breathe in" >"Breathe out" > 

***************************

Blond man joke:
>Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. > >One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local >saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his >arm. > >The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the >bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my >children." >He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give >him one thousand dollars." > >The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go >hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when >suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on >the head. > >The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. > >The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a >knife to claim their trophy. > >Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not >now, I'm busy." > >Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should > look at this." > >Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in >my hand." > >But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." > >So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were >five thousand red Indians. > >Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . . >. we're going to be millionaires!" > 

****************************

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She thought a quarterback was a 
>refund. 
>>>She thought General Motors was in the army. 
>>>She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. 
>>>She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. 
>>>At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote 
>>>"Sagittarius.". 
>>>
>>>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She took the ruler to bed to see 
>how 
>>>long she slept. 
>>>She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. 
>>>She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. 
>>>She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. 
>>>Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On 
>Phonics". 
>>>
>>>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She tripped over a cordless phone. 
>>>She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it 
>sa! id, 
>>>"Concentrate". 
>>>She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." 
>>>She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. 
>>>She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. 
>>>
>>>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... She studied for a blood test. 
>>>She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." 
>>>She sold the car for gas money. 
>>>When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. 
>>>When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport 
>Left," 
>she 
>>>turned around and went home. 
>>>
>>>She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde... When she heard that 90% of all 
>crimes 
>>>occur around the home, she moved. 
>>>She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. 
>>>She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechle! ss. 
>>>She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. 
>>>She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This 
>Goes 
>>>In Front" 

******************

The new blonde showed up for work her first day with a 
huge bow almost obscuring the back of her head. 

The rest of the office staff sighed a bit, then told her 
how they liked their coffee and sent her out for it.

Intent on doing a great job with her first task, she 
grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the corner 
coffee-and-donuts shop. 

Holding up the thermos, she asked the counter worker 
earnestly, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of 
coffee?" 

When the attendant assured her it was, she smiled in 
relief. "Oh, wonderful!" she said. "Then please give me 
two regular, two with cream, and two decaf."
=============
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? 
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. 
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? 
Brown-bagging it. 
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? 
No one else wants it. 
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ? 
So brunettes can remember them. 
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? 
Invisible. 
What's a brunette's mating call? 
"Has the blonde left yet? " 
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? 
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. 
Why is the brunette considered an evil color? 
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? 
What do brunettes miss most about a great party? 
The invitation 
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? 
A hostage 
Who makes bras for brunettes? 
Fisher-Price 
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? 
It matches their mustache

*****************

>A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day. So she eases it >over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the >car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who get in >position at the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming >traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to >approaching drivers. > >Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this Highway >occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, >clearly >enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What >the >hell is going on here?" > >"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these >perverts >doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. > >And she said... > > >(This is good....)) > > > > >(Ready?) > > > > > > >(Remember, she's blonde....) > > > > >  >"Those are my emergency flashers" > 

*****************

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, 
"howdy, ma'am.  My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N.  
Ah'm from Dallas, Texas.  Ah'm 6-foot 
3-inches tall.  Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to 
th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket 
and showed him onto the plane.  He sat down in his seat, 
and turned to the fellow next to 
him, "Howdy, suh.  My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N.  
Ah'm from Dallas, Texas.  Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall.  
Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to
th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do.  
My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell.  I'm from Dublin, Ireland. 
 I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me 
head to the tip o' me toes, except for me 
rectum, which is brown.  Spelled B-R-O-W-N." 
*******************

hey ya'll, check this out ha ha ha ha 
talk about the great outdoors.

http://www.bumperdumper.com/bumper2.htm

***********************
them cajun not dumb as some people think, no

> The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
> "Hello?"
> "Hello, is this FBI?"
> "Yes. What do you want?"
> "I'm calling to report my neighbor Thibodaux (pronounced Ti Bo Doe)!
> He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
> "This will be noted."
> Next day, the FBI goons come over to Thibodaux's  house.  They search
  the shed
>where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no
 marijuana, swear at Thibodaux and leave.
> The phone rings at Thibodaux's house.
> "Hey, Thibodaux!  Did the FBI come?"
> "Yeah!"
> "Did dey chop your firewood?"
> "Mais, yeah dey did."
> "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden  plowed."

**********************

The Cajuns vs Saddam Hussein:
The Cajuns heard that Saddam Hussein was going to help 
Osama bin Laden and they decided This is WAR!!! 

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker when his 
telephone ring itself. 

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. 
"This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, 
Loosiannah. I'm callin' to tol you that we officially 
declarin' war wit you!" 

"Well, Boudeaux, Saddam replied, "This is indeed 
important news! How big is your army?" 

"Rat now, " said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "dere is me, my 
cousin Thibedeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the 
whole bunch from the bar. That make us eight!" 
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 
one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." 

"Woo-eee!" said Boudreaux. "I got to call you back 
later!" 

Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. 
Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war 
equipment!" 

"And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam 
asked. "Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm 
tractor." 

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, 
I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last 
spoke." 

E-yiee!" said Boudreaux. "I got to get back to you 
later." 

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. 
Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some 
airborne! We've took Marcell's utra-light glider and we 
put us a twice-barrel shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert 
got out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!" 

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his 
throat. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 
bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is 
surrounded by laser-guided, ace-to-air-missile sites. And 
since we last spoke, I've in! creased my army to TWO 
MILLION!" 

"Ah-yie-yie!", screams Boudreaux, "I got ta call you back 
later." 

Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon 
jour, Sad-damn! I so sorry I got to tole you we is callin' 
off dis war." 

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden 
change of heart?""Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the 
bar and Sheriff Broussard, he say dere ain't no way in 
Heck he gonna feed no two million prisoner." 

***************************
Check this site out and it's great for kids too. young ones that is hi
TAKE YOU PICTURE WITH YOUR COMPUTER

http://webspinners.futura.net/zumaltsp/camera1.html?B1=%3C%3C+Restart
***************************
> > > A man walks up to the store with an ostrich behind him, and as he > > goes > > >to the checkout counter > > > > the clerk comes over, and asks for their order. > > > > > > > > The man says, "I'll have a bottle of coke" and turns to the > > ostrich. > > >"What's > > >yours?" > > > > "I'll have a bottle of coke, too" says the ostrich. The clerk > > rings up the coke > > > > and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his >pocket > > > > and pulls out exact change for payment. > > > > > > > > The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says > > > > >I'll > > > > have a box of soap powder," and the ostrich says "I'll have the > > same." > > >Once again the > > > > man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. > > > > > > > > This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter > > again." > > >The > > > > the clerk asks what will you have? "Well, it's close to the > > football > > >game so I'll have chips, popcorn, and pretzels," > > > > says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. > > > > "That will be $7.20" says the clerk. Once again the man pulls exact > > > > change out of his pocket and places it on the counter. > > > > > > > > The clerk can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me > > sir. > > > > How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of > > your > > > > pocket every time?" > > > > > > > > "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic > > and I > > > > found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me > > two > > > > wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, >I > > >just > > > > put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always > > be > > > > there." > > > > > > > > "That's brilliant!" says the clerk. "Most people would wish for a > > > > million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you > > want > > >for > > > > as long as you live! > > > > > > > > "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the > > >exact > > > > money is always there," says the man. > > > > > > > > The clerk asks, "one other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" > > > > > > > > The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs." > > > >> 
***************************
CHURCH SIGNS

*  Free Trip to heaven.   Details Inside!

*  No God --- No Peace.
   Know God --- Know Peace.

*  FOR MEMBERS ONLY
   Trespassers will be baptized!!

*  Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

*  Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

*  A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled
    to sing at a church.  When a big snowstorm postponed the
    performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read,
    "Resurrection is postponed."

*  God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.

*  When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.

*   Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

*   Fight TRUTH decay-study the Bible daily.

*   How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Nonsmoking?

*   Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives

*   Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours
     are long and the pay is low.   But the retirement benefits
     are out of this world.

*   It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

*   Do not wait for the hearse to take you to Church.

*   If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

*   If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

*  Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
    eternal fire insurance soon.

*  This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?

*  Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

*  In the dark? Follow the Son.

*  Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

*  If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

***********************

Here are some more chruch bulletin typo bloopers:	
> Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be
> speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.  Come tonight
and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
> 
> Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
> Conference.  "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".
> 
> Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy"
> 
> Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> 
> "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your
husbands".
> 
> Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns.  Friends are welcome!  Everyone come for a fun time.
> 
> Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say "hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
> 
> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to
a conflict.
> 
> The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'.  The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
> 
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the
help they can get.
> 
> Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
> transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
> 
> The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are afflicted with any church.
> 
> The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
> 
> Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.
> 
> Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
> pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
> 

**********************
Kids in Church..

	A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating
between bride's side and groom's side).While facing the crowd, he would
put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR,
step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the
crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the
pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached
the pulpit.  When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear."
>***********************
	A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out
of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma,
look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there,
dear?"
his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered:  "I think it's Adam's suit!"
>********************
	Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church."  "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.  Angie pointed to
the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the
door? They're hushers."
>*******************
	One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some
sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle.  Finally the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way
out.  Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one
called
loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
>===================================================
	And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>==================================================
	During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from
one of the back pews.  Gary's mother was horrified.  She pinched him
into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such
a thing?"  Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to
whistle..And He just then did!"
>===================================================
	One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to
rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I have to take."
>==================================================
	A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I
am!"
******************************
"COUNTRY BONICS"
** TECHNO-TERMINOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK 
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. 
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. 
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck 
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood 
RAM: That thing what splits the farwood 
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the wintertime 
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time 
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside 
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season 
BYTE: What them dang flies do 
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV 
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag 
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields 
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife 
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps 
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys 
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives 
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn 
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole 
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof 
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all" 
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle 
***********************
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

AND THE FINALE!!!!!!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

*****************
> What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the >end? > Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years. And LOOK! this year is > were it lands! > > 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office) > 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated) > 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated) > 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated) > 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office) > 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office) > 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated) > 1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt) > 2000: ????????????????????????????????????????????? > And to think that we have 2 guys duking it out in the courts to > be the one elected in 2000! You might be interested in this. > Have a history teacher explain this ---- If they can. > Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. > John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. > > Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. > John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. > > Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. > Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. > > Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. > Both Presidents were shot in the head. > > Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. > Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. > > Both were assassinated by Southerners. > Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. > > Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. > Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. > > John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. > Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. > > Both assassins were known by their three names. > Both names are composed of fifteen letters. > > Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' > Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.' > > Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. > Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. > > Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the >kicker: > A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. > A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. > > Creepy, huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause, > Hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind reading. > > > > 
*******************

>COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
>>
>> Time Limit: 3 WKS
>> 1.    What language is spoken in France?
>> 2.    Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
>particular
>> reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR-
>give
>> the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
>> 3.    Would you ask William Shakespeare to
>> (a)   build a bridge (c) lead an army or
>> (b)   sail the ocean (d) WRITE A PLAY
>>
>> 4.    What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
>>     (a) Jewish         (d) Polish
>>     (B) CATHOLIC       (e) Agnostic
>> (c)   Hindu
>>
>> 5.    Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
>> 6.    What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand
>> is on the 5?
>> 7.    How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
>> 8.    What are people in America's far north called?
>> (a)   Westerners (b) Southerners (c) NORTHERNERS
>>
>> 9.    Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton
>> Bush:___________________________
>> Carter:_________________________
>> Clinton:________________________
>>
>> 10.   Six kings of England have been called George,
>> the last one being George the Sixth. Name
>> the previous five.
>>
>> 11.   Where does rain come from?
>>    (a) Macy's          (c) Canada
>>    (b) a 7-11          (d) the sky
>> 12.   Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
>> (a) yes             (b) NO
>> 13.   What are coat hangers used for?
>> 14.   The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
>> 15.   Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
>> * OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
>>
>> 16.   Where is the basement in a three story building located?
>> 17.   Which part of America produces the most oranges?
>>     (a) New York          (c) Canada
>>     (B) FLORIDA           (d) Wisconsin
>>
>> 18.   Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
>have?
>> 19.   What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
>> 20.   The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began
>> when (approximately)?
>> (a) B.C.              (b) A.D.

*****************

 A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck 
when 
he notices a little girl next door.
The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off  
the 
side.  She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey little girl.  What are you doing?" The little 
girl 
says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look.  "Little girl that sure 
is a 
nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister," says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied 
the 
wagon to the dog's testicles.

"Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run 
your 
fire truck, but if you were to tie
that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I  
wouldn't 
have a siren!"

***********************

>>Thanks for being my friend !!!! 
ABOUT FRIENDS.....Sometimes you can never say it enough! >> >> "If you live to >> be a hundred, I want to >> live to be a hundred minus >> one day, so I never have >> to live without you."' >> -- Winnie the Pooh >> >> >>
"True friendship >>is like sound health; >>the value of it is seldom known >>until it is lost." --- >>Charles Caleb Colton >> >> 
"Don't walk in >> front of me, I may not >> follow. Don't walk behind me, >> I may not lead. Walk >> beside me and >> be my friend." >> --- Albert Camus >> >>
 "Friendship is >>one mind in two bodies." >> --- Mencius >> >> 
"If you should >> die before me, ask if you >> could bring a friend." >> ---Stone Temple Pilots >> >>
 "We all take >> different paths in life, >> but no matter where we go, we take >> a little of each other >> everywhere" >> --- Tim McGraw >> >>
"My father >> always used to say that >> when you die, if you've got five real >> friends, then you've had a great life." >> ---Lee Iacocca >> >>
 "Hold a true >> friend with both your >> hands." >> ---Nigerian Proverb >> >> >>
 "I'll lean on >> you and you lean on me and >> we'll be okay." >> ---Dave Matthews Band >> >> >>
 "If all my >> friends were to jump off a >> bridge, I wouldn't >> jump with them, >> I'd be at the bottom to >> catch them" >> >> "Everyone hears >> what you say. >> Friends listen >> to what you say. >> Best friends >> listen to what you don't say." >> >>
 "Friends are the >>Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life." >> >>
 "A real friend >>is one who walks in >>when the rest >>of the world walks out." >> >>"A friend is >>someone who knows the song >>in your heart and can sing it >>back to you when you >>have forgotten the words." >> ---unknown >> >>
If you liked this, pass this on to all of your FRIENDS, even if it means >>sending it to the person that sent it to you. And if you receive this >>email many times from many different people, it only means that you have many >>FRIENDS. And if you get it but once, do not be discouraged for you will >>know that you have AT LEAST ONE GOOD FRIEND > > 

***************

Subject: "Geezers" 
"Geezers" are easy to spot; this is slang for an old man.
 But, at sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem,
 they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment.
 They know the words and believe in them. They remember World War I,
 the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadal canal, Normandy and Hitler.
 They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age
 and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
 If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass a Geezer 
on the street, he'll nod, or tip his cap to a lady.
 "Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women. 
They hold the door for the next person and always when walking,
 make sure the lady is on the inside for protection.
 "Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children 
and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies.
 Geezers have moral courage.
Geezers seldom brag unless it's about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals.
 This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense.
 We need them now more than ever. It's the "Geezers" who know our great country is 
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military 
serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do
 a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones. 
Thank God for "OLD GEEZERS."
 I'm proud to be one!