this dumb desire..

1997:The start of a story...

-She thinks you're cute. A real swell guy
-I don't believe you
-Rick, shes such a foxy chick, I can't believe it either
-She is beautiful...
She is so beautiful, untouchable an ethemeral angel. They spickspacked along the pavement Rick and Bobby-two cool cats.
-I've got to see her, it could be so good.
-Yeah I fuggin hate you, you goddam son of a bitch, fug you, fug your mother and your sister?
-Come on Bobby it's not funny.
Look at her face, just a bright white light that burnt in his chest and tore his body to pieces. What is this hunger? a crying pain of a hollow man. Rick lay on his bed letting the hurtful memories float up to the surface. He wanted to sleep, but his mind, the evil creature, would not let him. He tried to visualise a good memory, something warm and comfortable, but everything was tainted with Her. He remembered when he was young and smooth and silky and full of jubilant surprise at the colour of the sky.
-What do you want to do? she had asked, do anything you want.
A wave of fearfulness encompassed him again. Talking into a piece of plastic
-Is she there?faltering
Can I come and see you?falling
Dropping the dead useless phone, feeling the cancerous fear grow in his stomach. Loneliness.

Then the cool cats slipped into a shop, a toystore, funfilled. June stared at the misfits, those hippys why can't they get a job, fit in? Look at their weird clothes, they're tripping all the time.
June: Hey you!
Bobby: Us?
June: You!
Rick: Me?
June: No..er..
Rick: Who?
June: You!
Rick: What?!?!
June: You two.
Bobby: Me too?
June: You too.
Rick: Me too?
June: Both of you!
Bobby: What.
June: Can I take your bags please?
Bobby: You afraid we might steal something?
Ricky: How do we know you won't steal from us?
Bobby: Yeah. I know you stock this leetle shop wiv stuff you steal off customers.
June, flustered, flabbergasted, takes the bags scowling.
They felt like gods.
the fallen angel becomes a malignant devil. The clock kept ticking, jarring him, making him giddy. Turning he felt the pillow merge with his cheek and the top of his head come crashing after. She had said yes, he had gone to see her. The door swung open as the knocking ceased, she appeared. His shell, Shattered. Slashing, Dazzling, the light of her eyes refracted into him: one gloomescent hole.
-This dumb desire.
-Goddam it! You never did anything?!?!
-A hot drenching surge.Paralysis.
-You son of a bitch. She was waiting for you.
-I was in a no mans land.
The sky was always the same deep blue in the good times. Flying down the grassy verge, blue remembered Roses, "Flying! Flying!" to the flashing cars grinning. Laughing. Looking. Happiness golden, danced and crackled on his back and lightning inside. Ricky sat up in bed and smelt the cool drops of dew running down his face. She invited him in. He saw himself tall and awkward, swaying, toppling. She perfection small, beckons him. They sit down facing in the lounge.

Voice mind faraway see my feet and her tightly bound feet i wish i could look at her lustfully objectify her and hold on but she flys out of reach a kite((too much silence)) in the photo she sits pouting Monroe in the background family seaside yellowed photographed memories Micheal ripping my t-shirt churning the sand with bare feet i went into the cave Micheal was too scared it looked like there were people lieing down but just rocks((someone should speak))i should take off my coat funny i feel lost without it there's a piano does she play sitting with teacher my mouth dry in the musty dark head thick fingers stumble((someone must speak))
How's school?
the taste of it the tired stupidity ugly all my failings exposed she nods her hair falls forward dark fear again cancer a growth on my sister's head she puked from her highchair rainbow carpet the Lord saved her holding Mummy's hand the white train deep and pumping legs on a tricycle the nurse watching feltipping me a picture she is distant now she used to smile at me giggle we would play dogs on the dark lawn rolling dropping grass onto faces expectant now her wet lips moving
-What do you want to do?

His wrists itched, with a glinting sharpness, he scratched them, Red roses bloomed, Life sweet and sickly ebbed away.
Acid Orange.The pistol-packing coolcats on the pavement again.
-Let's go go go Ricky!
I am with you Bobby!
click, click,
BAM! BAM! BAM!

Thats the end of the story

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