May 1999

May 1, 1999
May Day. : )
Sometimes I am really pleased with my life. It all seems to fit into place some how, but at the same time, it seems to be random. I feel as though I should be searching for some type of coherence... I should wonder why all these seemingly unrelated things are happening to me.. How they fit into a picture. But I'm not. I'm just here, and I'm enjoying things as they come.
This is worth writing about because it's really the first time I've ever felt this way. All through school and my childhood, life just seemed to be "more of the same." Now it's dynamic. There is a type of joy and hope that I feel just because things happen. I really am thankful for this.
May 3, 1999
I wanna do the right thing.
I wanna be the sure shot.
I wanna have my mind straight.
I wanna have my point got.
I wanna be a good man.
I wanna have my act down.
I wanna be the future.
And I wanna be right now.

I wanna see a life change.
I wanna see a new man.
I wanna fight the good fight.
I wanna take the right stand.
I wanna be like Jesus.
I wanna pour my heart out.
I wanna pick my cross up.
I wanna hear the mob shout.

-- O.C. Supertones, Sure Shot
May 4, 1999
I'm not all that amused by things that make me feel sad. Most "sad" movies that make cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat types really let go don't affect me in the slightest. They are, after all, just movies. Occasionally though, something will strike me as being particularly heart wrenching, and tears will almost appear before I can close them back off. I can recall as clearly as a silver bell's note when my grandfather died. I had worked for hours and days on fighting back tears. I played a mental game of ping pong with an imaginary opponent to take my mind off the reality of having lost someone. Then we visited the funeral home where my grandfather's corpse was layed out in it's open casket. My grandmother burst into tears and wailed in grief. My cousin touched the body's face and remarked at how cold it felt. At the time I thought it a rather irreverant thing to do..Now I look back on it and wish I had been able to do the same sort of thing. Worlds were shattered with the empathy I felt for my grandmother. I can't imagine her loss.
It is true that I have cried thousands of foolish tears. Tears over what amounted to being, in the end, spilt milk. If I could, I would take those tears back, for they were the worst kind of tears. Tears of self-pity. Tears at having lost something I had fought so selfishly to "earn."
I have cried tears of shame. There are times when the evil realization of some wrong I have committed has hit me. I cry for my heart, for the hearts of those whom I have hurt. There are people that come to mind instantly when I think of this. People I have hurt a great deal, and to whom I long to apologize. I want to open my heart and show them the pain I have felt for the things I did to them and beg their forgiveness.
May 12, 1999
Last night was the great Phantom Menace caper. We should have tickets in a couple of hours if Isaiah and James are doing their jobs.

There's no life away from you.
There's no joy away from you.
-- O.C. Supertones

That's most of why I don't want to get involved right now. Never have I been lower then when I turned my back on God and entered a relationship and made all kinds of mistakes. There is truly no life away from Him. Conversely, the joy of the Lord is my strength.
May 15, 1999
I am weaker in the summer. All the old difficulties come back in a way. The mingle with the new difficulties to produce a situation that is at times humorous ( in a masochistic sort of way ) and at times frigthening. I do enjoy being around my family, but I think I would rather have stayed in Lubbock. This is in and of itself an indication of my weakness -- My desire to run from a place that causes me to doubt myself. If I have learned anything, it is to confront those issues from the outset, not run from them and allow them to strengthen until you can no longer run.
May 19, 1999
Well, I finally after all these years got to see Episode 1. It didn't really meet my expectations, I'm sorry to say. Ah well.
Some new and not so fun things occured to me last night as we drove home from the movie. Though I typically make a joke of never getting married, I think the honest truth may be that I will never be married. I have come to realize that it simply isn't safe. Marriage requires someone of strength and virtue. It seems I have neither of these qualities.
I wonder sometimes if there is anyone still reading this. If there is, I know it must sound as though I am depressed all the time. The fact is, I'm far from it. It's just that I only write when I am disturbed by something.
May 19, 1999(revisited)
Given that I am a different person then I was a year ago, even a day ago, I suddenly find it laughable that I presume to know anything about my future.
May 22, 1999
A man walking down the street on his way to work falls down an open man hole. He arrives at work wet and late.
The same man is walking down the same street on his way to work the next morning when he again encounters the open man hole. Wondering if he would be drenched a second time, he hops in. He arrives at work wet and late again.
On the third morning, our man approaches the man hole and peeks warily into it's depths. He wonders if he would nearly be drowned a third time if he jumped in. He wisely walks around it, arriving at work dry and on time.
The fourth morning, the man takes a different street.
Father, the different street is so difficult to take sometimes. Is that what you really want?

If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.
--Matthew 5:29,30
May 24, 1999
One of the things I have appreciated about this summer is the time I have to write. I will have to admit that I don't write as much as I used to, but I think I write more frequently.
I have noticed that I am no longer capable of producing what I used to. I used to be a great deal more eloquent and poetic then I am now. Perhaps it is because I have been doing too much math.
Action is demamded of me I think. I demand it of myself. I refuse to sit and allow things to continue to happen to me. It is true that no matter what I do, time will have it's way with me, but I would like to think that I have at least a tiny rudder.
I am frightened by my fears though. I am afraid of being alone in a way. I am afraid of upsetting people. I can think of one person who will come and demand an explaination, and I will refuse to explain to him any more then I intend to explain to any one else. But that is yet another concern.. how much do I intend to explain? Don't they deserve to know why? I think they do, but I also think that they cannot understand.
I know that if I were to wait until I knew how it was going to turn out, if I waited until I had gathered that much data, the oppurtunity would be passed. This is one of the few pieces of wisdom I have to guide by.
May 31, 1999
I've decided to bring this whole site sortof back on task. It's new task, anyway. I originally began it just to ramble. Now I think I will use it more often ( not all the time, mind you ) as a simple journal.
For instance, I am cleaning my room now. Or not now, but I was, and will again when i get done writing. I'm willing to bet that none of you knows that I'm a complete wreck and I never clean if I can help it. Well, now you do. You see how that works? I'm cleaning my room and I was able to use that fact as a device to tell you how messy I am. Keen, aye?
I get this feeling sometimes of being in charge. I think I can take emotional shocks in stride. It came to me the other day, though, that the really big shocks are too big to just step over. It's like you are standing on a mountain top and you think you have your balance so that no wind can blow you off, and suddenly there's a volcanic eruption. You've been preparing for wind and in all likelyhood you could resist a good stiff gust, but sure footing is nothing when the thing your standing on ceases to exist.
Main
Contact me: adam.stephens@ttu.edu