Where did her life go?
What did it mean?
What grating, metal irony
Has wrought a twisted hunk of mettle,
From soft blankets of down?
Cold winds will numb her,
Grey sleet pelt her senseless.
And all she can speak,
As the pins break asunder,
Is a humble apology,
For the mess that she's made.
Jane Wanklin
1997
We, as borderlines, do not mix well, or blend into the rest of the unaffected population. We make a lot of mistakes, socially, often alienating those we once had as friends. It seems that being a buddy to a borderline is challenging, frustrtating, and, too often, impossible to maintain for any length of time.
Another social skill we often lack is knowing when or when not to apologizse, and not to go on and on about something petty to the other party. For example, when someone criticizes us, we often retaliate with "Oh, I'm SO, SO SORRY!" Then five minutes later, "I REALLY, REALLY AM SORRY!! FORGIVE ME????" If this goes on for an inappropriate length of time, it's a definite turn-off.
I alienated someone a few months ago, someone with whom I could have had a valuable and enriching online relationship. Mistaking him for another, who had been a "trouble-maker", for lack of a better word, I lashed out verbally, pounding ferociously on my keyboard until the poor guy turned tail and fled, for good. All the apologizing in the world was futile, as I had been put, unbeknownst to me, into his "killfile", or "filter", if you prefer a less violent-sounding word.
Did I learn a valuable lesson? Yes, but unfortunately it happened too late to salvage that friendship. We can be so infuriating because we just get obsessed with people or situations, until people tire of the energy needed to emotionally support someone so needy.
So what can the borderline person do to help change his or her behaviour? How can we hope to achieve positive and healthy friendships that don't involve pulling an innocent soul into our sordid world of cutting and overdosing?
Well, therapy seeems to be the favoured remedy, along with medication and a stabilized environment, but I personally feel that psychoanalysis or psychotherapy has its severe limits and can turn unhealthy. I sometimes find myself trying to extract sympathy and attention from my therapist by threatening to cut or overdose. Sometimes I am deadly serious, but other times it is just a method of getting her to listen to how much pain I am suffering. A much more constructive and effective way is simply to lay all of our cards down on the table, as it were, and be honest and open.
If we cannot be that way even with ourselves, then we can never aspire to achieve healthy, rewarding and giving relationships with anyone and everyone in our lives. We will just continue to take and take and apologize for it.
The girl in the poem wasn't an attention-seeker. She really was in pain but because she never developed any close relationships with anyone, she simply self-destructed. Then, her life cast asunder and her world an empty, stark and chilling place, is littered with the remnants of her own pain.
And so she says she is sorry for making such a mess. "Sorry": The first word in the borderline vocabulary. You will get so tired of hearing it from us that you will throw up your hands and exclaim, "ALRIGHT, ALREADY!!" Yes, being close to a borderline is extremely wearing. Therefore, many of us live as virtual recluses, "held loosely together with safety pins", or, clinging to life alone and shattered.
I want to change. But it will not be easy. Do any of you see yourselves here? I am willing to bet that you do. Please stay safe. People out there care, even if we don't think they do. We just cannot fathom this, since we are steeped so heavily in self-loathing.
That poor girl in this poem is stripped of everything that would have bathed her in self-love and self-respect.