This page is intended as a forum for those who have friends, family, or loved ones who have been raped or sexually abused.  If you have something to share with those of us who are struggling with this issue as secondary survivors, please send an email by clicking on the "Mail" button below.  Please indicate in your message whether or not you would like to have your message posted to this web page and the kinds of information you would like to have displayed (an email address, a web address, etc.).  For legal reasons, we will not disclose names of survivors or perpetrators.

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    I met Paulette in the fall of 1998 during a class we were both attending.  Incidentally, this same class was attended by "Psycho," the jerk who put her through 2 1/2 months of hell.  I remember hearing him ask her out that night in October, and I remember wanting to tell her to stay away from him.  I clearly remember a voice inside my head saying "ask him about his wife" (I didn't know him, but I had a gut feeling that he was trouble and that he was married.  I was right on both counts.).  I kept to myself, not wanting to "rock the boat," and that decision has haunted me to this day.  I keep thinking that if I had only said something, maybe she could have bypassed that hell she went through, but I know as well that there was no way for me to have known what was about to happen.  And, there was no way for me to know that she would have listened to me.  Maybe she would have; maybe she wouldn't have.  I cannot say, and I cannot beat myself up for not following ...what? ...intuition?
    Anyway, I did not know what happened...what really happened...until several months later.  Paulette and I began seeing each other at the end of January, and near the end of February we were ready to begin talking about our past relationships.  I was surprised to learn that she actually spent 2 1/2 months with that guy and that sex was involved.  In fact, because of the way she casually dismissed the "relationship" when we had talked about him in the past, I was shocked and, to be honest, quite angry that she had played it down so much.  What I did not know at that time was that on that first night he got her drunk until she passed out, then raped her until she woke up and continued until he was "finished."  I also did not know at that time that he never asked her consent for sex, and quite often he would just do whatever he wanted, even when she made it clear that she did not want sex.
    It was April before I learned what really happened.  In fact, it seemed like every time we talked about it before April, I heard a different story.  I remember telling her that I felt like I was meeting a different Paulette each week.  In March I confronted "Psycho" because she told me that he had hurt her, and both of us wanted him to stay away from her.  He said he would stay away, but that  a long ordeal was ahead of us.  To make it short: he sexually harassed both of us, sent us messages with the intent of intimidating us, and threatened to kill me.  The police became involved concerning the threat, and we also tried to involve the university.  Today, he is still a full-time graduate student and a half-time employee at the university.  As of today, the rapes have not been reported, but we are working on that possibility.
    On a different train of thought, I have had a very difficult time understanding everything.  I am angry at him, and I am angry that our society creates opportunities for people like him to remain at large.  I have even been angry with Paulette for not reporting it, for not telling me, for letting it continue for 2 1/2 months.  Don't misunderstand me; I love Paulette more than anything, and I do not blame her for anything that Psycho did to her.  But, I have been angry that she did not see it for what it was, and I have been angry that she let him continue to abuse her after that first night.  These are things she could not help at the time--I recognize that.  But they are also things that I wish I could go back and change because maybe then she would not have had to endure this jerk's crap for so long.  I am upset that nobody gave her a reason to feel worthy of anything better.  Mostly, though, I am angry at Psycho.  He has never paid for what he did, and there are hundreds of thousands of "men" out there just like him.  I am angry at them, too.
    We have both been through a tremendous amount of pain during the past year, but we are surviving well.  We are in counseling together, and I feel like we are making some good progress.  I love Paulette, and we have plans to be married in July of 2000.  We are learning to move beyond the negative past, and this web page is one avenue through which we are trying to accomplish that.  Both of us hope that by telling our stories, we may help someone else recognize rape and sexual abuse.  We also hope that others will find comfort in learning that it is possible to move beyond the pain to create something positive and valuable.

This story should be a wake up call to all couples out there; that just because someone seem to be your friend, pay attention to the little voice that warns you something’s wrong. A "friend" of mine started arranging part-time jobs for me (all perfectly legal, but they kept me from home). I'd be gone for hours @ a time. Mitch (not his real name), knew where I'd be & how long I'd be gone. on one of these jobs, I was going to be gone overnight. Mitch promised he'd look in on my wife, to make me feel better about leaving. This all sounded plausible, even "friendly" to me. But that little voice told me something was wrong. Something just didn't seem right. But i dismissed this as paranoia. After all, Mitch had proven to be a good friend of mine. He and his wife often went out to dinner, movies, etc... with my wife & I. So off I went, trying very hard to convince myself that my family was safe. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for this mistake in judgement. While i was on this job, Mitch did indeed come by my house, check in with my wife & made sure she was ok. Before Mitch left, he went to the restroom. It was then that my wife & I think he unlocked a bedroom window. Since we never unlocked the windows in winter time, this was the only time he could have. But since we never unlocked the windows, my wife never checked them to see if they were locked. Around 3:15a.m. (according to the radio), my wife woke to find a pillow on her head. Someone had climbed on top of her. He was using one hand to hold the pillow, and the other hand to hold a knife @ my wife's throat. She heard a hostile, raspy voice telling her to keep quiet. There was no doubt, it was Mitch's voice. She was turned over and her hands were taped behind her back. Mitch sodomized her, then raped her vaginally. After he climaxed a second time, he climbed off her, took off her wedding set and emptied her jewelry box. He placed the blade of the knife @ her throat. He told her that if she told anyone, especially me, what he'd done, he'd return and kill her and then me. Mitch left her bleeding anally and soaked with his climax. I returned home soon after, to find her half on our bed, her hands still taped behind her back, sobbing. She wouldn't tell me anything about what happened for hours, begging me not to call the police. At first, I was going to ignore her pleas and call them anyway, but she was so vehement about telling no one...I didn't call (note, this was a HUGE mistake, always, ALWAYS, call the police). Finally, she said a stranger had climbed in the bedroom window, raped & robbed her. Unbeknownst to her, I called Mitch, thinking I needed a friend to help convince her to call the police & press charges. He gave some excuse about why he couldn't come over. I later found out that he called the next day, while she was home. He threatened her again. After she realized that I knew she was lying about SOMETHING, she clamed up and wouldn't say anything on the subject. It was like she never went through any of this. Mitch stopped coming around at all, and he had no more jobs for me. That was fine with me for a while, because I had NO intention of leaving her @ night. Three months later, Mitch took a job in a city on the west coast. I later found that he'd lied about where they were going. The day Mitch left town, my wife took me by the hand, led me to the den, sat down and started sobbing again. She told me everything Mitch had done to her, including the threats. She took the threats seriously, the reason she'd given a false description to me. I contacted the police. They filled out a report, said they'd look into the case. The female officer was WONDERFULLY supportive to my wife, talking to me as her male partner walked outside with me. He explained that unless there were prior complaints on Mitch, the D.A. wouldn't even prosecute, due to all the time that had passed. It would be only my wife's word that it had happened. There was no physical evidence that my wife had even been raped, much less that Mitch had done it. First, guys, if you feel that something isn't right, listen to your instincts. Second, if your wife is attacked, CALL THE POLICE!!! Do not let her talk you out of it. At least there will be a physical record. And last, (and the only thing I did right), don't be afraid to hold her. You didn't do anything to her and she needs you to hold her, give her a sense of security. While I worried for a while that I might accidentally do something to remind her of the attack, I found that she was smart enough to know who I was, and could differentiate between her attacker and I. Couple this with the fact that she had feelings of shame, any reluctance on my part to hold her (or make love to her), would have been devastating. It would fulfill her deepest fears that you don't want her anymore. Simply put, if your wife was mugged after coming out of a restaurant, you wouldn't hesitate to take her to restaurants for the rest of your lives. Same principle. And to any women out there who read this, if your husband/boyfriend is reacting differently toward you, he needs to talk to someone to. Love, comfort and time will help heal the open wound of your attack. .