Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 4-I awoke before the usual predawn activity outside my window began. I woke slowly, but clearly, leaving behind a dream that was just out of reach of my consciousness. I lay in bed trying to regain it, but it remained no more than a feeling of familiarity. Funny thing about dreams. I can never be sure of their length, or even when I actually have them. Sometimes I have a dream that seems to be a continuation of a dream that I had months or years ago, but I can never really be sure that it is not a continuation of a dream I had minutes ago. Time is changed when the conscious mind sleeps. I don't even know if it really exists outside of our consciousness.
After a breakfast of apples and Porridge, I was summoned to Brother Henry's office. He introduced me to Brother Grant. Brother Grant had just returned to the Monastery after a trip to San Diego, California to attend a Monastical Conference which brought representatives from most of the Monasteries located in the North and South American Continents. He arrived back at the Monastery the evening before, and this was our first meeting. Brother Henry explained that Brother Grant would be my spiritual mentor, during my stay at the Monastery, and that he would oversee my spiritual instruction.
I became very excited at hearing this because my spiritual growth is the whole reason for my being here at The Silence. Brother Grant was a tall thin man, an ectomorph, with a head of hair that looks so dark as to be called black. In the shock of hair that naturally swirled up in the front, was a white stripe that had a widow's peak as it's source. He looked me over and smiled. He nodded toward the door and turned to leave. I looked at Brother Henry who nodded to me as I followed after Brother Grant.
Brother Grant led me across the compound to the West, up through the orchard and into the forest. The forest grew up into the hills behind the Monastery buildings. There was a lot of white pine and some hemlock but as you get higher up the hills the forest turns to oak, birch, and beech. We climbed until we came to an outcropping that afforded us a marvelous view of the valley and beyond. Brother Grant took a seat on the outcropping and looked out over the valley. He never looked at me or spoke.
We sat there on the stone outcrop looking out at the valley below. I watched Brother Grant, who seemed to be deep in meditation. I wondered what I should be doing, if I should be asking questions or staying silent. I was uncomfortable on the hard rock, and I changed position on it often. Brother Grant remained motionless. He stared out at the hills beyond the valley. I was very uncomfortable with the silence, especially since I wanted to get to know this man, and there were a hundred questions I wanted to ask him. Finally, I couldn't restrain myself any longer. "Brother Grant?" I spoke. He ignored me. "Brother Grant?" I began again. "Should I be telling you a little bit about myself?" He looked at me with his clear blue eyes and said, "You already have told me a lot about yourself. I have just learned a great deal about you." "What have you learned about me?" I asked. He smiled and continued. " I have learned that you are extremely uncomfortable with silence. It frightens you. I have learned that you are oblivious to your surroundings and that you have a hard time keeping your mind focused on the moment you inhabit. You have no spiritual base. You are always looking for outside stimuli to quell the emptiness you feel inside. You are not able to look inside yourself, and if forced to, you will redirect the situation to enable you to stop." He smiled again and got up off of the rock. "Come on." He said. "Let's go back down."
I followed him as he led me back down the hill using a different trail than the one we had taken up. I was seething inside, and wondering who the Hell he thinks he is. He doesn't know shit about me. He is so full of himself. What really pissed me off about this experience was the fact that he was absolutely right. He had me pegged in a way that no one had ever done before. At least, no one had ever told me so.
"Brother Grant," I began, "Some of what you said about me is true, I admit. However, I don't think you were on the mark about my being oblivious about my surrounding. I kind of pride myself on my powers of observation."
He stopped, turned, and looked at me thoughtfully. He said, "Maybe I was wrong. I probably was. Why don't you tell me about the wildlife that we passed on our way up the hill and back." I thought about the request. I had not noticed any wildlife during our walk. I racked my memory. "Ah, let's see. I think we passed by some chickadees, and some jays. Ah, there were some squirrels I'm sure." I was stumped. If I had known there would be a quiz, I would have been more observant.
"Yes," He said. "And I'm sure you noticed the pair of Red Tail Hawks riding the thermals over the Monastery, and the White Tail deer we passed down the ridge by the creek. The kingfisher at the creek must have caught your attention, and the water snake sunning itself on the rock next to the little waterfall was obvious, so I know you must have seen it. The wood turtle next to the trail near the outcrop couldn't have slipped by you, and the bald eagle flying overhead as we sat there was surely observed by you. And, of course, you have already seen the wasps nest that is two feet behind your head." I opened my mouth to respond, but closed it and slowly turned around. There, about two feet from my head, was a paper wasp nest that was larger than my head, and there was a steady stream of wasps arriving and departing from the hole at the bottom of the nest. I jumped away from the nest and tripped over a rock, landing on my back. Brother Grant reached down and helped me up.
"Please don't take it personally. You are not unusual in your condition. You are pretty average. What is not average about you is the fact that you have decided to seek out spiritual growth. Your spiritual condition is not a bad thing; it's just your spiritual condition. Taking an accurate inventory of yourself is not an easy thing to do. It can be painful and difficult. One very important byproduct of such an endeavor is humility. Humility is nothing more than stark truth about who you really are."
I kept silent on the way back to the Monastery. I thought about what he had said. He claimed to hold no judgements on me, but that was not how I felt. I felt as though I had failed an important test. When we reached the community building, he told me that he would meet with me for a time after dinner. He gave me a book that he wanted me to read. It was called "Holiness" by Donald Nicholl. I put the book into my room and went out to the field with my straw hat and my goat skin. I spent the rest of the day working, breaking only for lunch, and when I returned for dinner, I was ready to meet with Brother Grant. It was getting dark when he finally appeared. He led me back up to the stone outcrop. I hesitated before setting out after him into the forest in the dark.
"Don't we need flashlights?" I asked. "No," he replied. "Have you ever been out in the woods at night?" "No," I answered. "At least not without a light." "Well," he said. "You will find that it is a lot lighter than you expect. It will only take a couple of minutes for your eyes to begin to adjust to the darkness. Then you can begin to stretch your awareness out around you. When you are able to relax enough to do that, you will begin to slow down and to see. "To see what?" I asked. "To see what you were once blind to." he replied.
As we walked up the dark trail, my eyes did begin to adjust to the darkness. As we progressed, I began to pick up colors in the darkness. That tree is a swirling green and the large rock over there is a pinkish color. If I did not focus my eyes to closely on any one place, more and more colors and shapes revealed themselves to me out of the darkness. The colors and shapes were very faint, but they were there. When we reached the outcrop, the light from the night sky that poured into that open place was dazzling. I was amazed and awed. It was like being introduced to a whole new world: one that had been there all along but was not visible until now. I didn't feel like talking. I just sat there and watched the valley below as if I were looking at a brand new world. After about 30 minutes of silent sitting, we went back down. I said goodnight to Brother Grant, and I went to my room to write this entry into my journal and to think about my day.
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