Heehee, Haha. . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?" the officer asks. "These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time!"

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Sometimes it DOES take a rocket scientist...

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield and smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, Britain sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."

Once there was an old Christian woman who lived next door to an atheist. Every day the woman would kneel next to her bedroom window and pray. It always echoed over to the neighbor, and he was really frustrated about it. "How can that silly old woman believe in a God when no God exists?" he asked himself. So one day he decided to teach the old woman a lesson. He listened to her praying and he found that she needed groceries and had no money to buy them. She prayed fervently "Oh, Lord, please provide me with food to eat."

The atheist saw this as his chance, so he went to the grocery store and bought lots of groceries and piled them up in bags and left them on the woman's front doorstep. He knocked on the door and stood back to watch.

The old woman came to the door and opened it. When she saw the groceries sitting on her front porch, she began to shout praises to the Lord and dance around her yard.

The atheist was so angry he let out a shout. "Old woman, why do you praise God for those groceries? It was I who bought them for you!!" The old woman began to dance some more and shouted "Oh, Lord, I KNEW you would buy me some groceries, but I didn't kow you were going to make the DEVIL pay for them!"

One day a blind man walked into a store. He walked into an aisle, picked his dog up by the tail and began swinging him around over his head. The saleslady watching him grew very curious. She walked over and asked him if he was ok. "No problem, Ma'am," he said. "I'm just looking around."

Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say