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JOKE'S!

Answering machine messages!

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
They go on and on,
wasting your time.
I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message."
That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short.
I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine.
You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home.
Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em,
but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.
Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435.
We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition.
You can try to leave a message on it,
but we are not sure it will be recorded.
If we don't return your call,
it means the machine did not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine.
He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster.
Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs,
so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave.
Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck,
so I'm stuck taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone.

Hello.
You are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322.
If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now.
If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now.
If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.
If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.
If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.
If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking.
If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.
Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Hello, this is Death.
I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.
Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.
If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi.
I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi there.
This is Joe speaking.
I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make.
Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...

Bob here.
I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.
So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.
Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.
Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.

Hello, this is David.
I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.
On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.
I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave.
Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron.
I'm not home right now, but I can take a message.
Hang on a second while I get a pencil.
(Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)
OK, what would you like me to tell me?

We're sorry.
You have reached an imaginary number.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You're growing tired.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel very sleepy now.
You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.
When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality.
You begin to hallucinate.
You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine?
Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist.
One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.
So please leave a message after the tone.
I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow.
So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

This is Alan.
Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to...
I mean, do FOR you.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.)
Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain.
I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel.
Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:)
Hello, this is the executioner.
Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD!
Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

Tim's dead!
And God only knows where Lisa is!
Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline.
We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions.
But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life.
After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message.
Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there.
Hey sugar, you call this number often?
I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy.
Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual.
So please leave a message.
Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:)
(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.
Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe.
Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone.
Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times.
Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station.
Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now.
He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie.
Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century.
Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton.
All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment.
However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order.
Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim.
Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

I'm gone.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

This is David. Talk to me.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243.
This is an answering machine.
This is the nineties.
You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed.
Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message.
Leave a message anyway.
(Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria.
It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here.
You can leave a message though.

Hi.
Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand?
Well, sometimes I do.
Bye.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO!
(Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.

Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

(Recorded during a party:) HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB- HUB

yeah!!
we're having a party!!
come on over!
B mike's not home right now!!
Look out!
E Hey what are you doing?
Careful it might spill.
E Was that the phone ringing? P

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:)
Hi, this is Kathy.
I'm not myself right now.
If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

"Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)

"Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop.
Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen.
After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one.
That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one.
C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.
Sorry.

Kemosabe no in teepee now.
You leave'um message after little smoke signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange]
Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties.
Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.
I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis.
I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.

Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline.
At the tone, your telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak.
This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

This is a test.
This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network.
To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password.
Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.
Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS.
Funny if you've been accosted by elders on bikes.] Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-Formal Bicycle Racing.
We can't come to the phone now because we're out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and number.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time.
Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Don't you do it!
Don't you dare!
I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep!
If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline.
After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh.
This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing?
I can't understand the instructions.
Hello.
Testing 1 2 3.
I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.
After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.
Today's word is
acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...

{Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate.
Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.
Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!]
After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and, what?
You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk.
Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.