- What do they pack styrofoam in?
- If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
- If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
- Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
(The answer is yes)
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
(Because they're no necessarily open a consecutive 24 hours)
- You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
(You find where it says somewhere else)
(Targets for Death Race 2000)
- Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
(So you can see better of course)
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
(Who says they don't?)
- If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
- Why don't we get goosebumps on our faces?
- Why do doughnuts have holes?
- Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?
(To make the bike stronger)
- Why does unscented hairspray smell?
(To piss people like me off)
- Why do we have to DRY clean raincoats?
(There is some cosmic rule that everyone has to lose things and if you're not losing socks it's probably something else that youu have several of. It takes you longer to realize they're gone like that.)
- Who killed JFK?
(Kennedy's dog just got tired of fetching that Drenned ball...)
- How and why did your grandpa walk uphill both ways through 32 feet of snow butt naked to get to school?
(Because he liked it!)
- If "pro" is the opposite of "con", then is Congress the opposite of progress?
(Absolutely!)
(No doubt about it)
- Where do 85% of homeless people have their accidents?
(In ohter people's houses)
- And my personal favorite: If you eat your peas, will a kid in South America stop starving?
(Only if you mail them to him)
- And now for some true stories about the idiots all around us.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve" he replied. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, justthis remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
- You're not the brightest crayon in the box, are you?
- The wheels is turning but he hampster is dead.
- You're not the sharpest pencil in the box, are you?
- You're not the brightest lightbulb in the package.
