DAVID: Hiya CC, how’s it hanging?
CC: Hi your f****** self! You two are late! And I did not say bring dates!
GILLIAN: It was their fault. We were ready and waiting. They were late picking us up!
CC: No matter now, but I didn’t say nothing about bringing dates! I know who David is with but who is this? Your new beau?
GILLIAN: Nah this is Randy, my escort to every where public for the next few weeks. I rented him out from Jodi Foster, so everyone will stop sticking their noses in my personal life.
CC: Ok have a seat the show is getting ready to start once this dumb cartoon is over. We need to review this old episode so we know what the hell we are doing for next week when Max comes back. David! Stop groping all over Tea!
GILLIAN: Oh.... I see. And yeah David I think Tea could use some time to breathe over there.
DAVID: Shut up Gillian! It ain’t my fault you are stuck with rent-an-escort. Hey this is a funny show. I wonder if my agent can get me a guest appearance.
TEA: Oh, I thought this was your show. Oh wait the guy on the riding lawnmower just apologized for his show and said, "Now you'll get to see this show, you know, the X-Files. I think you might enjoy it. I never really watched it because I thought it was all about sex because of, you know, the title. But now I find out it's really about two young people who don’t have sex." You don’t get sex on your show?
DAVID: No! Mulder got laid once and that was with a vampire...
GILLIAN: Who also happened to be your ex. Oh man! Chris you better not write another "Mulder gets some with the Monster of the week." Well cause we know David will demand it be Tea and Tea is to skinny to be a monster.
CC: Hush the show is starting!
GILLIAN: Is there any food? David and Tea were late so we didn’t eat...
CC: NO! Now hush it’s starting!
Opening Scene -
We see something crash and a cop. Later we are at a radar station type place, and they report the sighting of a UFO that is later changed -for the benefit of the public’s safety- to a meteor sighting. The cop bites the dust.
Cue Opening stuff -
DAVID:Dang Gillian you have aged a lot since the first season.
GILLIAN: Oh, hush your nose got bigger. Hey the music sounds different, what did Mark change?
DAVID: Nothing as far as I know, must be the digital enhancement that FOX Home Video did.
CC: Mark changed what I told him and this is not the video for sale this is being broadcast on TV.
GILLIAN: Why?! I thought FOX wasn’t gonna air those. Ain’t this gonna hurt the sales of the videos. Not that we see any of the money mind you but...
CC: Hush the commercial is over and you 2 need to pay attention. David stop sucking Tea’s face!
TEA: Ok I’m lost. Who is that old guy talking with my sugar buns?
GILLIAN: Oh jeeeeez a newbie. This is going to suck! We are going to have to sit here and explain every thing to her! At least my escort has seen the show.
RANDY: Well I saw the one with Jodi doing the voice thing and you getting that tattoo...
GILLIAN: Chris had FOX brand me, well Scully, with the Millennium icon. I still can’t believe that. Chris are you sure there is no food?
CC: Yes Gillian I’m sure. And Randy has seen the x-files before other then that episode. Remember he cast you as Scully.
TEA: Ok what is that thing running across the screen we can’t see that burns people?
DAVID: That is the alien this week smoochems.
CC: Hush here comes the Max scene.
GILLIAN: I’m starving can we send you lackey/snitch out to Starbuck’s for food?
DAVID: Yeah Starbuck’s! Here John just take my car. And thanks.
TEA: Man Scully treats you bad, love bucket. What is her problem? How come she doesn’t believe what you are saying?
DAVID: See love, I play the believer and she is the skeptic and not allowed to believe me or the show would end.
TEA: Oh, I see. Hey you do have some weird chemistry. Almost like you to are...
CC: No they are not! Their relationship is purely platonic and they will never have sex! Now please can we watch?
TEA: Damn Scully is a doctor? Wow!
GILLIAN: Yeah I get to play a smart, beautiful, perfect, never had sex, gun toting character. It’s pretty cool cause I get lots of awards. And people respect me.
DAVID: Yeah when the show goes off the air, you can at least be guaranteed to do those "I’m not a doctor, but I played one on TV," commercials.
GILLIAN: I don’t think so David. When this show ends I’ll be doing lots of movies, while you are stuck doing the Larry Sanders show, x-files conventions, and those Milky Way commercials. Do’h! Milky Ways... I’m hungry and I wish John would hurry back.
TEA: Ok I’m lost.... Why does Scully want Mulder back in DC?
DAVID: Well it’s all apart of the conspiracy thing. There are people that want to shut the X-Files down and..
TEA: You mean like the church, I saw where I think it was in the UK they...
GILLIAN: NO! On the show! Jeez! See there is this group of people that listen to the CSM and he has aliens and...
TEA: CSM????
DAVID: The head bad guy and...
GILLIAN: And probably Mulder’s daddy, but we won’t find that out till the movie. Maybe by then we can get some more answers about the abduction, my eggs and Samantha. I’d like to know where the hell Scully’s brothers are Chris! And what is taking John so long with the food!
TEA: OK, let me see if I got this straight, Mulder and Scully are parnters and Mulder trusts only Scully is that right?
DAVID: Yes smochems.
TEA: Does Scully trust Mulder?
GILLIAN: Well at times she trusts him blindly then other times she thinks he is a nutcase...
TEA: Well why doesn't she ask for a transfer?
DAVID: Because deep down I think she likes Mulder.
GILLIAN: No! She wants to find the killers of her sister and what happened to her eggs.
DAVID: Well we now who killed Melisa it was Rat Boy...
TEA: Rat boy??? Scully's eggs???
GILLIAN: Yeah see when I was pregos, they had to write me out for a while so Scully was abducted...
TEA: By aliens????
DAVID: Well Mulder thinks aliens Scully claimes they were these really bad train driving Japnesses that work with the consortuim and are trying to clone aliens...
GILLIAN: No Scully thinks it was those Japs but Mulder is the one with the cloning ideas errr wait... Chris! How does this line go again?
CC: Scully was abducted by whom we don't know. Mulder thinks it is aliens the same ones that took his sister. Scully doesn't want to remember the abduction so I am off the hook for a while in coming up with an explaintaion for Scully.
TEA: I'm so confused.....
TEA: What happened to Max?
DAVID: Dunno...
GILLIAN: I know but if I tell you Tea, we’ll have to kill you.
TEA: Ok so know back to some of these explanations. Who is this Deep Throat guy love bucket was chatting with at the beginning. He works for the Marlboro Man right?
GILLIAN: NO! Its CSM, and we never figured out if DT worked for him, he died to fast. Same with X Chris killed him off...
DAVID: Well we did find out that X worked for CSM but was a double agent remember like Ratboy...
GILLIAN:Yeah and now we are stuck with the uni-blond as the snitch.
DAVID: I like her!
GILLIAN: She is useless....
TEA: Rat Boy?? You mentioned him before who is he?
DAVID: He used to be my partner until he slipped to the dark side and help arrange Scully's abduction...
GILLIAN : He was on our side till then...
TEA: Ok so what happened to him?
GILLIAN: Well Chris has not been kind to Rat Boy since then, he got stuck in a silo with these slimy oily black things then later some Russains didn't like him and hacked is arm off. Hey Chris didn't Mulder also get infected with the black slimy oily things too?
DAVID: Yes he did.
GILLIAN: Your name ain't Chris! Well Chris if Mulder was infected with the same thing Rat Boy was how come Mulder ain't wigged out like Rat Boy did?
CC: I can't say.
DAVID: He don't know, I bet he is hoping all those X-Files fans forgot....
GILLIAN: They won't! Those fans have nothing better to do then netpick our show. Well Chris we are waiting explain the black slimy oily things
CC: Oh look John finally made it back with the food. Here Gillian stuff your face and stop asking dumb questions. Besides I don't have to come up with the answers to that yet and the show is back on. This is an important scene so hush....
Closing Scene -
Back in DC Scully gets grilled by the big head FBI guy. He doesn’t let her talk and Scully is dismissed and Mulder hobbles in. He is grilled too. Later we see the Big headed FBI guy talking to Deep Throat. They chat about conspiracy stuff and the "I made this" can be heard, while all X-Philes wait for the scenes from next weeks NEW episode.....
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